cereal

2019 has been a banner year for cereals inspired by other junk foods and candies.

Back in my day, cereals stood on their own merits. They had plenty of sugar, lots of color, and kooky mascots, and that’s all we needed to be happy. Nowadays it seems that every new cereal hitting store shelves is, while technically meeting the definition of breakfast cereal, in fact an approximation of another food.

We’ve all tried to eat healthy cereal in the past, but face it: they’re boring and gross. That could be part of why sugary cereals persist as a breakfast staple despite broader trends towards healthier eating.

You head to the pantry for cereal, mull over the selection, and pull out a box, which seems scarily light. The next one too, a mere shell of its former abundant self. Some quick investigation reveals that not just that box, but all of your stash has been reduced to about an inch of broken bits or small pieces and cereal dust, having been decimated by people (one of which is probably you) who have forgotten to indicate that you are “almost” out of cereal.

Every kid knows that the marshmallows are the best part of Lucky Charms cereal. And seeing as this is a fact throughout the known universe, over the years, General Mills has occasionally trotted out “marshmallow only” boxes of Lucky Charms as a promotional stunt. But let’s be honest, outside of the context of a bunch of boring toasted oats, Lucky Charms marshmallows, in and among themselves, aren’t that great.

The idea of turning a Hostess snack cake into cereal isn’t totally insane. That was proven by the first two Hostess products that were introduced in bowl-worthy form courtesy of Post last year: Honey Bun Cereal and Donettes Cereal. Both honey buns and mini-donuts can be breakfast.

What is a marshmallow? You've probably never had to give it much thought. Like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s definition of obscenity in Jacobellis vs. Ohio, it’s kind of an “I know it when I see it” situation. But here’s something worth pondering: How exactly are the marshmallows you’d buy in a bag and roast over a campfire different from the kind you’d find in, say, a box of Lucky Charms? 

Mass-market breakfast cereal takes many forms, but it generally follows a standard set of conventions. It’s based around grains, and often incorporates fruit or sugar to add a small hint (or a large dose) of sweetness. That formula has stood the test of time, ensuring that breakfast was the one meal a day where we could be safe from vegetables and still get credit for eating healthily. Until Kellogg’s decided to go and ruin everything, that is.

The countdown to Valentine’s Day is officially on, so panic should start setting in soon if you haven’t already made a dinner reservation and bought a gift. But if you find yourself completely at a loss on February 14th, a new, vaguely Valentine’s Day-themed cereal can at least help you save face if there’s a chocolate lover in your life.