These 90-piece bags come packed with four different bite-size morsels.

By Mike Pomranz
August 20, 2019
Totino's

If you don't have access to a lie detector, here's a simple test you can employ instead: Ask the person if they've ever had Totino's Pizza Rolls, and if they say no, they are a filthy liar! Though not the most lauded of culinary choices, what teenager hasn't eaten Totino's Pizza Rolls just enough times to where they've embarrassingly become your favorite meal? Now, Totino's is looking to take that tacit love affair to the next level: The brand has launched Totino's Mini Snack Mixes — and they're everything you'd hope for: a perfect collection of foods you don't want to admit you love but you'll be craving all the same.

Totino's Mini Snack Mix comes in two varieties: Original and American Favorites. (As if the Original isn't also an American favorite?!) The former variety features Pepperoni Pizza Roll Snacks, Cheesy Marinara Bites (which look a bit like pizza rolls in a different shell), Mozzarella Sticks, and Garlic Bread Bites. The latter version offers Cheeseburger Pizza Roll Snacks, Ham & Cheese Bites (again, kind like pizza rolls), Cheddar Bites (that look a bit like jalapeno poppers without the jalapeno), and Potato Bites (which appear to be like small tater tots).

Each bag comes packed with 90 pieces at a suggested retail price of $8.79 and will apparently be hitting stores nationwide "beginning fall 2019." Though Totino's doesn't specifically mention it in their promotional materials, I assume that — like with pizza rolls — you'll be able to find these snack mixes in the freezer section. Turning Totino's Pizza Rolls into a Totino's Mini Snack Mix is clearly a huge step forward for society; however, we don't have the technical prowess to achieve shelf-stable Totino's Pizza Rolls quite yet.

"Your next party will thank us later!" Totino's proclaims. Oh silly, Totino. When I throw a party, I put out my finest cheeses and artisan bread. I save Totino's for truly important occasions — like that wonderful level of drunkenness where I can't navigate my delivery app but can still work an oven for some reason. Thank you for filling that void, Totino!

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