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A treat worth jumping over a fence for?  

Tim Nelson
March 14, 2019

I haven’t watched The Bachelor, but I understand that it involves various combinations of women or men accusing one another of not being there “for the right reasons.” It’s fitting, then, that the titular bachelor and the woman who “won” his heart in this season’s warped approximation of courtship and romance have bonded over a snack that makes people uncomfortable.

According to a recent story about Colton Underwood and new beau Cassie Randolph in People, the new couple just can’t get enough of eating crackers with mustard. Not cheese. Not peanut butter. But mustard.

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According to Randolph, this is the kind of snack that a man who solves his problems by jumping over fences feels confident eating in front of his new partner once the cameras stop rolling. “Our first dinner, Colton got some Wasa crackers and a bowl of Dijon mustard, and that was our appetizer,” she said. “I looked at it and I said, ‘That’s something I would do!’ I knew I definitely loved him then!”

If I were a person who loved eating what basically amounts to a dried-out sandwich with nothing but on a lower-tier condiment on it, I’d only share this shameful fact with someone who could be trusted with my darkest secrets. If I found out that they too enjoyed mustard and crackers, our love would grow stronger knowing that we had to keep the world from knowing about our depraved eating habits. Instead, the two people who decided to get married after spending a little time together filming a television show felt they had to share it with the world in the pages of a magazine. Disgusting.  

In case you had reason to doubt their culinary credentials, Underwood added that he and his new beau really like to chef it up. “We also both like to throw a bunch of random ingredients in a bowl and call it dinner,” he said. Truly, these two deserve each other.

So if you’re enough of a Colton and Cassie stan that you’ve started combining crackers and mustard in the hope of finding your own true love someday, more power to you. Just wait until long after the first date before you share that sort of information with a romantic prospect.

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