NOTHING.  

Corey Williams
Updated: March 21, 2019

Please stop whatever you’re doing and turn your attention to these Sushi Roll Cat Keychains from Urban Outfitters.

Urban Outfitters

I know what you’re going to say—and yes, you’re right. This is most certainly not a recipe. But hear me out: There a few rare and beautiful places on the internet where cat content and food content intersect. I feel it is my job—nay, it is my honor—to bring these magical feline/food hybrids to your attention.

So, when I saw these $8 keychains, I knew what I had to do.

You may be thinking that the most amazing thing about this product is simply that it exists, and I can see why you’d feel that way. But there’s so, so much more to these sushi-clad cats than first meets the eye. Let’s dissect:

First of all, these aren’t your run-of-the-mill, California roll wearing street cats. Each one has its own complex personality.

Take, for instance, this bespectacled, old lady sushi cat:

Urban Outfitters

Or this guy, who I assume is a pirate:

Urban Outfitters

This one looks like the Monopoly Man was cursed by an evil witch to live his life as a cat with sushi on its back:

Urban Outfitters

It’s not just the stunning attention to detail that makes these kitties so special.

Whoever designed them made the odd (but perfectly valid) choice to ensure that we, the consumers, know that these cats are aware that they have sushi on their backs—and they don’t like it.

Urban Outfitters

“Why am I SUSHI?” the cat on the box asks us, as a diamond teardrop falls down its adorable little face.

But that’s not all: The product description calls the keychains “bewildered little kittens in little sushi rolls.”

Don’t ask me why I am absolutely desperate to have a sentient, depressed, sushi-wearing cat hanging from my wallet, because I do not know. Here’s what I do know: It’ll be here in 5-7 business days and I couldn’t be happier.