Winner, Winner, Never Ending Pasta Dinner
By: Matthew Moore
Ever get butterflies? You know, that feeling of nervousness issuing from the bowels of your soul as you prepare to embark upon the unknown? Well that’s me, folks. I have butterflies. Not because I’ve got a hot date, or I’m nervous about a big work presentation. No, this is much, much more significant.
I am now the proud owner of an Olive Garden Never Ending Pasta Pass!! That’s right, I’m one of only 21,000 people on THE WHOLE ENTIRE PLANET that gets to gorge my face with unlimited pasta, soup, salad, and breadsticks from October 3 through November 20. Seven weeks of un-adultered, blatant disregard for my colon and my waistline. This is like Willy Wonka’s Golden Ticket for people who give zero f*cks about their diet or physical well being. It’s kind of a big deal.
You can be jealous now if you’d like.
But with great power comes great responsibility. Even though technically I could head to Olive Garden every single day—two times a day—to get my $100 worth (what a deal, right?!), I have no desire for this gift from the heavens to turn me into Jabba the Hutt.
Me, 215 bowls of pasta and 1,078 breadsticks later.
Nay, my goal is to use this pass for good! I’m going to hit up the Olive Garden every week for those 7 weeks, order sensibly, and see if I can’t lose weight. That last part may’ve seemed like jibberish, so I’ll retype it. I intend to use my 7 weeks of gorge-your-face-with-so-much-pasta-an-enema-is-inevitable to lose weight. How? Hell, I’m not really sure yet. Great question, actually! I’m not going to sit here and say that I won’t sometimes take advantage and order dish after dish on days when I’m down-and-out.
Keep those alfredo bowls coming, waiter.
BUT I’m damn sure going to try. At the very least, I’ll save loads of money on groceries for a hot minute. Maybe I can put that towards a fancy gym membership when this is all said and done. So check back in October and enjoy the ride! I’ll be posting a weekly recap and doing some Facebook Live to chronicle this great pasta-filled adventure. It’ll be like watching Charlie taking the tour and inheriting the factory. And hopefully not like watching Violet Beauregarde go full blueberry…
Matthew Moore is a soon-to-be Never Ending Pasta Bowl survivor. His favorite sauces are red and white, and he thinks gluten-free pasta tends to reheat terribly. He is definitely notlow-carb.