No one man should have all that apple

By Allison Robicelli
Updated February 13, 2018
apple crisp
Credit: Photo by Jennifer Causey

One time I spent $150 on apples, and immediately after signing the credit card slip the voice in my brain screamed, "OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE." Not once in my life had I ever envisioned a scenario where I would be putting $150 worth of apples into my trunk, but there I was, pushing aside beach toys and other remnants of summer to make room for the giant sacks of Jonagolds and Red Deliciouses we had gathered during a fun-filled family day of apple picking. It’s our favorite annual ritual, one we idealize with visions of warm cider, cozy sweaters, and piping-hot apple fritters. We black out the aftermath, where every inch of counter space is filled with bowls overflowing with apples, slowly decaying before our eyes, reminding us that we are such stupid, stupid people.

I don’t appreciate being mocked by fruit, which is why I’ve created an action plan to use each October to help convince myself that blowing a week’s grocery budget on apples is a smart decision.

Apple Crisp

The body’s first reaction to the shock of too many apples is to tell itself “It’s OK, I’ll just make apple pie.” Know how many apples go into a pie? At max, eight, and that’s for a huge-ass pie. One you discover you went through the hell of making a pie crust only to use up eight apples, you will cry and begin to hyperventilate. Stop yourself, take a step back, and tell yourself that you’re going to start making apple crisp instead. Any idiot can make apple crisp, and it’s easy enough to make every single day, which you’re going to have to do because holy crap do you have a lot of apples.


Applesauce is one of those things that you really loved when you were a kid, but then completely forgot about the moment you started getting an allowance and could have candy and junk food for snack time instead. Now you’re probably trying to eat less chips and candy, so why not go back to applesauce? Make huge pots of it, pack it up, keep it in the freezer. Buy an extra freezer if you have to. Applesauce is good and will helps prevent premature death, which is something Little Debbie snack cakes will never be able to do.

Apple Butter

Apple butter can be put in cute little jars and given away as holiday gifts, so you’ve got the twofer of getting rid of apples and not having to spend more money on stupid presents no one really wants.

Apple Juice

Apples are what you need to throw into your broccoli/kale/parsley juice to make it stop tasting like crap.