What to Do When Satan Possesses Your Toaster
Nothing, if it makes good toast
When breakfast is your beat, you find yourself researching terms like “haunted breakfast,” “haunted food,”—and more specifically “haunted toaster.” You have made decisions that have led up to this moment in your career are you are grateful for them—especially when you indeed come upon one doozy of a haunted toaster story. In 1984, a woman named June O’Brien was interviewed by former Jerry Springer Show producer Richard Dominick as part of a Today Show segment on supermarket tabloids. Other participants included a woman who claimed to know carnal pleasures with an alien, and a man who claimed to have been rescued from drowning by his Howdy Doody doll.
O’Brien believed her toaster was possessed by Satan. It burned and etched the words “SATAN LIVES” into a slice, shot flames into the air, and spoke to her in a voice she believed sounded like that of beloved character actor Eli Wallach. “Right there, where it says ‘put one slice’ we heard, ‘I am the Devil,’” O’Brien explained. And yet she refused to banish the accursed appliance to the town dump, or bring it in for any sort of electrical exorcism. Dominick pressed her on the issue.
“Well, Richard,” she replied, “you know when all is said and done, it makes good toast.”
If despite his toast-making prowess you do not wish to open a portal to the Dark Lord’s realm in your kitchen, you may instead turn to social media (thought some might argue the similarity) to gain divine inspiration for your spooky breakfast creations.
For instance, this Ghost Toast by Belly Full blogger Amy Flanigan.
You might care to signal for some Bat-Toast, with an egg cup and cutter by Merchandise 24/7.
Raisins can see into your soul.
Sometimes you eat the toast (or toasted bagel—just go with it), and sometimes it eats your sanity. Thanks, Momsmack!
Frankly, this avocado and seaweed monster toast from Vegan Chow Down makes that whole dairy, egg, and meat-free thing not seem so daunting.