What Do Goths Eat for Breakfast?
Gothic Charm School's Jillian Venters takes a stab at an oft-asked question
It sounds improbable, doesn't it? The gothest possible breakfast. After all, breakfast is usually considered a morning thing, and goths in general are not what one would call morning people. What with the sun coming up and all. However! Many people consider breakfast to be the most important meal of the day, and if one is going to "seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade" (Thank you, Morticia Addams, for giving #lifegoals to all of us black-clad weirdos.), then one needs to be properly fortified. The first contender for the gothest possible breakfast is of course, a large mug of black coffee
This coffee is to be imbibed as you greet the dawning of a new day. Not because you woke up in time for the sunrise, but because you've been up all night. Bonus points for your breakfast of caffeine and exhaustion will be awarded by the Elder Goth Cabal (That Does Not Exist) if you spent all night reading gothic literature by candlelight while listening to mournful songs in a minor key.
Another strong possibility for the gothest possible breakfast is actually standard fare in many parts of the world: black pudding. Also known as blood sausage, it's a savory blend of onions, pork fat, oatmeal, and blood. And goths, with their stereotypical fondness for vampires and things sanguinary, could probably be easily talked into at least trying a sliver of blood pudding. (Unless they're vegetarians, of course.)
If you have a sweet tooth, then do what many spooky types do: as soon as September hits, scour the shelves of your local grocery shops for the General Mills Monster cereals, and stockpile enough to get you through the rest of the year. (Yes, September, for lo, the General Mills Monster cereals are only available during peak Halloween season, that sweet spot between back-to-school and Thanksgiving.) Some people prefer Franken Berry, with its lurid pink color and sugary strawberry taste; others cling to the blue ghost of super-sweet blueberries with Boo Berry. Your humble writer, however, holds firm to her opinion that the best of the Monster cereals is the one and only Count Chocula. Chocolate flavor and bat-shaped marshmallows? What more could a goth ask for in their breakfast food?
(Though some hardcore spooky traditionalists believe that if you're going for a sugar shock breakfast, you should just hoard enough Halloween candy to provide yourself with sugary treats all year.)
But after all of those options, the gothest breakfast probably is brunch. After all, brunch happens at times that are much kinder to those of a nocturnal nature! Brunch is never a rushed, hurried affair where you are bolting your food while running out the door to catch a bus. Brunch is leisurely, encouraging you to linger over adding precisely the right amount of cream and sugar to your coffee or to luxuriate in the froth of your cappuccino. Brunch is usually a social occasion with friends, so you'll have time to catch up on the scandalous gossip you may have for each other.
And finally, because brunch is decadent. It's about indulgences. French toast with vanilla whipped cream and fresh berries. Eggs Benedict with perfect hollandaise sauce. And because this IS about the gothest breakfast, then decadent would probably include, for those who imbibe, cocktails. Of course, there's the traditional option of a bloody mary. But really, the most goth of brunch cocktails has to be the Death in the Afternoon: sparkling wine or Champagne mixed with absinthe.
No matter what you decide to eat, just try to avoid spills. Black velvet doesn't hide a mishap with powdered sugar or bacon grease.
Jillian Venters is the author of Gothic Charm School: An Essential Guide For Goths And Those Who Love Them and shares advice with goths and those who seek to understand them as Lady of the Manners at Gothic Charm School.