Photo by Katie Foster

Mmmm... waffle crime

Jeremy Glass
September 28, 2018

GTFO out of town, Hamburglar. There’s a new culinary crook on the loose and he’s here to kick ass, take names, and sell you waffles illegally.

The bunch bandit’s name is Brandon Lee Nelson—a Georgia native with a heart full of dreams and a house full of forbidden waffle mix. Some say he’s a modern day Robin Hood, others say he’s just a man who can’t balance his hunger for power and hunger for waffles.

Nelson was arrested earlier this month after local authorities found 150 pounds of stolen waffle mix on his property, a key ingredient to Nelson’s underground black market waffle ring.

Lt. Odilia Bergh told that Nelson’s waffle ring was somewhat of a success as he had a consistent “stream of buyers that would contact him for the waffle mix and he would provide it when contacted,” adding that the Georgia man is indeed a “seller of waffle mix.”

The five boxes of Golden Malted waffle batter came from Nelson’s employer and was taken from a storage shed on his property in a flagrant disregard for—you know—many laws. What Nelson was doing with this mix will forever be a mystery, especially since there’ve been no reports of a large amount of missing maple syrup.

I reached out to Golden Malted for a comment and was transferred to a man named Blake who did not pick up his phone because he was either out on his lunch break or busy hiding under his desk in an attempt to forget that Golden Malted was briefly bested by the leader of an underground black market breakfast club that follows two sets of rules: NONE and THEIR OWN.

Also, stealing is wrong and god, would it kill you to shell out $2 to buy a waffle?

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