"Two alcohols, please. Yes, I am one adult person."

By Tim Nelson
Updated April 06, 2018
Credit: Photo via @stevelikescups

The “two kids in a trenchcoat” trope has a storied history in television and film. It’s the perfect way for young rapscallions who haven’t hit their growth spurt to buy beer or sneak into an R-rated movie. But according to a post on the internet’s favorite passive-aggressive neighborhood message board Nextdoor, it sounds like two dastardly Californian tweens are the latest to try and pull off the prank in real life.

Daly City, California Nextdoor user Marcus Ronaldi recently made a post alleging that he’d seen two kids clearly standing on each other’s shoulders inside the Loop Neighborhood Market, a convenience store adjacent to a shell station near I-280. Ronaldi asserts they were trying to buy beer despite the visible fact that the kid on top was not of age.

Naturally, their plot failed. SFGate reports that the duo then followed Ronaldi out of the store and pleaded with him to make the purchase on their behalf. The reason that the trenchcoated man couldn’t by beer himself was because he’d left his ID at the “detective agency” where he works. Nice one, Columbo.

“He told me that he was investigating people claiming to be with the Illuminati," Ronaldi said in a follow-up post, which is a wonderful interpretation of what a 13-year-old who watches Infowars must think a detective does.

Fittingly enough, then, there’s a chance that the conspiracy behind this real life Vincent Adultman goes deeper. When reached for comment, an employee of the Loop Neighborhood Market told Munchies, “no, I don’t have anybody reporting that” when asked about the incident, casting doubt on the entirety of the situation.

Is Ronaldi hiding the truth? Did the detective do a Men in Black mindwipe on everyone who works at the convenience store? For all we know, there could be a bunch of middle schoolers splitting a six pack and laughing about their successful beer run as we speak. Assuming they’re real, I’d like to buy the two a drink in approximately 8-10 years just for having the coordination to move around like that without toppling over.