He only keeps the red and pink ones
If you had to venture a guess about the snacking habits of Donald Trump, you wouldn’t be far off if you guess he’s doing it wrong. During Trump’s recent 60 Minutes interview, Independent Journal Review editor Josh Billinson managed to spot a large glass jar of pink and red Starbursts on our commander-in-chief’s desk.
First off: nice catch, Josh. Double so when you consider the rest of the world is currently consumed by confusion from seeing a painting of Trump chillin’ with a number of Republican presidents in his office. But I digress… what can one say about a man who pays some intern to dig through packages of candy to compile his most favorite flavors?
As if we needed another layer of confirmation on the topic, it shows that Donald Trump is the worst kind of hedonist; a man who trashes the world around him in order to get what he wants. And when he gets his fingers on those tasty strawberry and cherry Starbursts, nothing else matters. How much do you want to bet those lonely orange and yellow Starbursts are immediately thrown away after being crowned “not good enough for Don?" But that’s who Trump is: a wasteful goon who has the power to deplete the world of its natural resources—and erroneous candies—in his quest for nom-noms.
This is bigger than candy, people. This goes all the way to the top. How will Starbursts parent company Mars, Inc. react to their now tainted flavors? I invite them to release a limited-edition package of pink and red Starbursts with all proceeds going to—oh, I don’t know—any charity that directly competes with Trump’s corrosive way of thinking.