Expect a side of beef with plenty of shade
Everybody knows that this fall is all about the 2016 Presidential election. (Sorry, Pumpkin spice lattes and banana milk, but you'll just have to settle for second and third place.) That doesn't mean that the battle between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump (and yeah fine—Jill Stein and Gary Johnson, too) is exempt from all things breakfast-related. Oh no, the role of breakfast in politics goes far beyond eating diner pancakes in New Hampshire and Jimmy Carter's grits fixation. This year marks the first ever sausage-based election, coming by way of Bob Evans' "Sausage Selection Election." Just when you thought politics couldn't get more fractured.
Much like our own broken electoral system, the Bob Evans Sausage Selection Election pits two challengers against one another to square off for breakfast table supremacy. Bacon and soy sausage have to be write-in candidates, because this contest is between sausage links and sausage patties. The candidates have even released campaign videos, “Patties for the People” and “Links for Liberty,” replete with slogans, promises, and luckily for us, they've kept things from getting too negative. At least for the time being.
Here's sausage patty's argument:
And by way of a rebuttal, here are sausage link's claims:
Both contenders for the 2016 sausage election are vying for the most coveted job in the country—a spot at your breakfast table. They promise to work across the toast and restore bonds with their bitter egg rivals. Each claims to offer a way forward as a portable meat vessel to keep you fed and happy all morning long. And as far as we know at this hour, neither candidate has raised xenophobic fears about the number of chorizo links that have entered the United States in the last 30 years. Nor have either candidates complained about the looming, delightful prospect of breakfast taco trucks on every corner.
And the Bob Evans Sausage Selection Election is far from alone when it comes to politicizing breakfast this election season. Not to be outdone, 7-Eleven election coverage takes things a step further, offering cups labeled "Democrat," "Republican," and the "Speak Up Cup" for anyone who might not want to be seen in public supporting either of these candidates (but doesn't mind being seen drinking 7-Eleven coffee). The 7-Election campaign calls upon people to vote with their purchasing power (who said Citizens United was a bad idea?), and has been startlingly accurate in predicting the results of the general election in years' past.
There's no word on when Bob Evans' Sausage Selection Election will end, but the early results of the 7-Eleven coffee poll are now available (alongside some frighteningly accurate mock descriptions of each state in the union). And much like in the cinema tour-de-force Alien vs. Predator, whoever wins, we lose. But at least we'll have sausage and coffee.
And don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.