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Fighting the straw ban one post at a time

David Matthews
August 01, 2018

As hectares and hectares of California burn, creating fresh new climate-related horrors, the big environmental issue on everyone's mind is the American cities and businesses that are banning plastic straws once and for all. Since plastic makes up a not-inconsiderable percentage of the world's garbage (google "Pacific garbage patch" when you have a moment), the ban is a solid start to making Earth a better place.

There are a lot of reasons, however, to consider the plastic straw ban as misguided or even naive. Differently abled people are going to be adversely affected on one hand (the ban in Seattle carries an exemption for persons who require a straw to drink). On the other hand, it’s become common knowledge that just 100 companies are responsible for most of the world’s greenhouse gas emissions that are causing climate change. Heck, most of the plastic garbage ruining our oceans actually comes from fishing gear. While banning plastic straws is nice, it’s merely step one on a many, many-step process that will be required to actually combat climate change/save the environment.

Naturally, conservatives have jumped all over the ban in another attempt to "own the libs." Like other instances of owning the libs—further polluting fresh water sources with coal runoff to own the libs and allowing nursing home residents to be abused to own the libs, to name two especially egregious ones—conservatives are once again doing something ultimately harmful to themselves in order to "trigger" "snowflakes." It's exhausting. It's 2018.

As The Cut reports, conservatives are now flooding social media feeds (being whipped into a frothy furor by a number of right-leaning outlets) with truly devastating and very naturally staged pictures of themselves sticking it to the libs, hitting them right in the frickin' feels by drinking through plastic straws.

This woman really knows how to push libs' buttons.

Fun fact: "molon labe" is an Ancient Greek phrase meaning "come and take it." It was allegedly uttered by King Leonidas when Xerxes demanded the Spartans surrender their weapons (this was probably in the movie 300). In a sense, Ms. Pavlich is saying that she is willing to die to continue using plastic straws, which is a nice summation of the brain rot that is infesting our greatest conservative social media stars.

This has all lead to a bit of counter-parody that is undoubtedly going over its targets' heads:

However, as conservatives will hopefully figure out sooner than later, no one can own the libs harder than the libs themselves.

On the plus side, they still haven't gotten around to "murdering the libs en masse to own the libs," so we've still got some time to invest in collapsible metal straws that will take, like, a week to get used to.


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