Photo by Gina DiSimone

The sun's like, "I quit"

Ryan Grim
April 06, 2018

You guys like the sun? That hot thing up there that gives us life and makes plants grow? Haven’t seen it in a minute. Maybe it’s given up on humanity because we’ve been iffy as a whole lately and it thinks we’re undeserving. It’s been super-grey and rainy in New York, and everyone’s getting testy. They said we were gonna get snow again this weekend, and people were like aw hell no, yet another post-spring-equinox snow? Looks like I’m staying inside all weekend and making/consuming Instagram stories and ordering shirts. Once you give Bonobos your size you can go hog-wild with the shirts and you know they’ll fit. You have no reason not to give Bonobos all your money. Then they said no snow but we're gonna get more rain and more grey skies. And the sun’s like, Don’t look at me, brother. I’m done. You’ll still get your ramps, but only if you cool it with the Ramp Watch stuff. Find something else to talk about. They’re just onions, brother.

Anyway, it’s cold and grey and 44 degrees out forever. You’ll always need the heavy coat. You’ll never day-drink outside again. Don’t worry about your beach bod because there is no beach. Keep eating bread, keep putting half and half in your coffee. Do whatever you did in February. Don’t plan on feeling that summer feeling anytime soon because there needs to be sun for there to be summer, and the sun’s burned out and retired, and they never hired a younger, more go-getter-y sun.

OK sure, in a week it’ll be less this and more something else, maybe warm. Until then, make this ramen carbonara.

Ramen Carbonara

Yield: 2 servings
Active Prep Time: 10 minutes 
Total Time: 15 minutes

Ingredients

2 packages ramen noodles, seasoning packs discarded
1 cup grated Parmesan
3 tablespoons butter
6 slices bacon, chopped into lardons
4 eggs, beaten
2 scallions, sliced (optional)

Directions 

1. In a large saucepan over medium high heat, cook the bacon until it is rendered and browned. Remove to a plate with paper towels to drain. Blot the residual bacon fat out of the pan with a paper towel, but leave any crispy bits that might be stuck.

2. Add two cups of water, the butter, and 1/2 cup of the Parmesan cheese to the pot. Heat over medium-high heat, stirring constantly, until you have a creamy looking broth, being sure to scrape the bottom to get those bacon bits added to the mix. Add the two squares of noodles in to cook, stirring frequently, until they are softened. Keep stirring until the noodles are al dente and the sauce is thickened, about 3-4 minutes. Pour off the excess broth into a small bowl, leaving the noodles a bit soupy but not swimming. Essentially you want the broth to come up halfway of the depth of the noodles. You should have about 1/2 cup of reserved broth. Keep stirring until the sauce reduces a bit and just coats the noodles, maybe another minute.

3. Push the noodles to one side of the pan and add the eggs in the space you create, stirring them inside that hole until they begin to form large curds, then mixing the eggs in with the noodles. Add the bacon bits, and remaining cheese, and the reserved broth stirring all the time until you get a pile of noodles and sauce with egg curds. Top with sliced scallions and a good grinding of black pepper.

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