Smoothies Made with Water Are Garbage

I’m no stranger to smoothies. I will even admit to having purchased many of those fancy $12 smoothies in the recent past—I’m not ashamed. I firmly believe anyone should be able to spend as much money as they want on whatever food makes them feel good. However, I have to draw the line somewhere. And that somewhere is when smoothies are blended with water.

Why would you blend your smoothie with water? Not coconut water, but just pure H2O. Perhaps you’re trying to build muscle and are only looking for the purest protein your carton of powder can shake out. Maybe you don’t like creamy things. Is it simply for fewer calories? You can be honest, I’m just trying to understand where you’re coming from.

I’ll admit it: I’ve blended with water a few times. Not on purpose, mind you. But there have been mornings when I’ve discovered I’d scraped the last dregs from my carton of yogurt and that the open carton of almond milk in the back of my fridge had a “use by” date of four weeks prior. I begrudgingly poured water into my blender full of banana and kale and blueberries, pureed, and you know what: It wasn’t good. It was a sad diluted smoothie.

I know these water-blending smoothie people have high numbers in their ranks. I probably ride the subway with you everyday—perhaps some of you are even my co-workers, friends, family. Really, you can do whatever the hell you want. I’m not going to tell you to stop doing you. If that’s what tastes good go forth and pour that water. Just don’t tell me to try it’s worth the switch.

Smoothies blended with water are garbage. They leave me feeling hungry nearly immediately post-drinking, even after ingesting what is probably a pound of liquified berries and greens. I’m genuinely curious as to why people get excited when they hear about just-add-water smoothie packs. How much harder or more expensive is it to add a plop of yogurt or splash of milk? Maybe I’m just doing it wrong, and the water-smoothie people are pointing and laughing at this story through their screens. Please feel free to @ me with suggestions.