Merry Ranchmas?

EC: You Can Buy a Keg of Ranch Now, Just in Time for the Holidays
Credit: keg photo courtesy of Hidden Ranch

When you think of the flavors of the holiday season, visions of gingerbread, peppermint, and all manner of sugary sweets probably dance through your head. But if an unconventional holiday gift line from Hidden Valley has its way, we’ll all be doing ranch dressing keg stands and stuffing our stockings with ranch-themed items.

That’s because the salad dressing company most famous for its buttermilk and herbs-based offering just dropped a full line of ranch-themed apparel and paraphernalia that’s equal parts cute, kitschy, and questionable. In addition to your standard-issue ugly christmas sweater adorned with a bottle of ranch, you’ll find items like statement-making socks that read “if you can read this, bring me ranch,” the perfect nonverbal (hung over?) way to signal to friends and loved ones that you’re in desperate need of something zesty. There’s even a pair of ranchified house slippers for those who want to enjoy a well-seasoned salad or an artfully-dipped buffalo wing while puttering about the house.

Things truly start to get weird once you branch out from the clothing line, though. While a $12 Christmas tree ornament is a great gag gift for the ranch zealot in your life, the mini ranch keg raises far more questions than it presumes to answer. Are we to interpret the five liters of ranch hidden inside this thing to constitute a “year supply of Hidden Valley ranch” (sic), or will Hidden Valley hook up the owner with as many refills as they can handle until they’re begging for blue cheese? How much ranch do you have to chug until you can get a good buzz going anyway? Is it possible to fill up some solo cups to play ranch pong?

Even more opulent is the festive $110 ranch fountain (possibly stolen from ranchophile/comedian Eric Andre’s “Ranch Dispensary”), which is the perfect way to disappoint/prank everyone hoping for a (white) chocolate fountain at the company holiday party. HR complaint not included, but another year’s supply of ranch is.

So, if you’ve got someone on your holiday shopping list who once doused their pancakes or pop tarts in ranch, you now know just where to turn. Just make sure they don’t get too excited and end up accidentally staining their new favorite sweater with their favorite sauce.