Prosecco Tea Bags Are a Proper Way to Drink Through the Holidays
Even if you look a little weird in the process
If you've been looking for a way to get all that alcoholic holiday cheer without picking up an early-morning DUI, prosecco tea bags might just be the remedy you've been praying for. Or if you're simply looking for a way to convince your co-workers that you're drinking on the job, perhaps we can interest you in some tea that tastes like mulled wine? Whichever way you're looking to potentially get arrested and/or fired, Aldi's Specialbuys Christmas teas has you covered. That is, of course, if you happen to live in the UK. Because of course the English have devised a way to drink without actually drinking.
The Aldi prosecco tea bags have already sold out online, so if you wanted to try it out, and were willing to pay a shipping rate that cost more than the product itself, you might be out of luck. Unless you're willing to have someone ship you some on the sly in exchange for packets of Aleve (which require a prescription in jolly old England) or will destroy Nigel Farage's passport when he's over for the inauguration (many Britons might thank you for that). But if you happen to be in the UK, prosecco tea might still be on sale near a brick-and-mortar location near you.
Reviews for the product are pretty mixed. Most folks seem to think that the prosecco tea is sweet and fragrant. One reviewer for the Nottingham Post was less enthused, however, saying the tea was manky. For those of you following along in the United States, manky means worthless, rotten, or in bad taste (translating English into American English is just one of the many services we offer at Extra Crispy).
And to be honest, it's hard to see the inherent value of an alcohol-free, caffeine-free prosecco tea. It's one thing to sell a non-alcoholic beverage with the taste of its original, boozy forbear. It's totally acceptable to sip on decaf tea, too. But when you're imbibing, don't you want some level of transgression? Some level of mood alteration? For a beverage that is supposed to inherently tilt the lens through which you see the world to be stripped of both alcohol and caffeine seems like some kind of unnatural phenomenon; something that the good Lord did not put us on this earth to consume wantonly. I'm all for the spirit of the holidays (sort of), but something about this seems like an inherently wrong way to get in the holiday spirit. Especially since the holiday spirit typically requires some level of intoxication. There's a reason Santa's cheeks are always so rosy, after all.