How to Make a Wellness Smoothie That Will Change Your Life
It is a new year, and I am supposed to want to be something I am currently not. There are many things I am not: an especially well person, a person whose skin the sun has touched in recent memory, a person who has or will ever meet Jason Momoa (even though she'd very much like to). But smoothies are supposed to help with that, especially if they are packed with "superfoods" and things that make your face contort. The banana and cactus pear are there to make it all taste nice, which it strangely does. I'm still me, but now my hands are stained red and black.
Red chard, stems and leaves separated and shopped
Horseradish, peeled and chopped
Beet, scrubbed and chopped
Cactus pear, denuded
1-2 blood oranges, juiced
Ginger root, peeled and chopped
Apple cider vinegar or apple cider
Cuttlefish or squid ink (optional)
Put as many chunky things and as much blood orange juice in a blender as you'd care to, and blend it. It's OK if you can't find a cactus pear. Add cider vinegar or apple cider if it needs to be more liquidy. Add enough cuttlefish or squid to match the color of your soul and blend a little more. Invite Jason Momoa over and ask him to pat your hair until you fall asleep, but be respectful of his boundaries.