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What fresh hell is this?

Tim Nelson
October 03, 2018

In a culture that increasingly values brevity in its communication, emojis are an intractable element of modern linguistics. Apple adds a steady stream of unicode pictorial symbols with every new iOS release, and the tech company’s latest update to iOS 12.1 is no exception. While there are a number of new foods among the 70 emojis set to make their debut, one of them seems set to draw the ire of anyone with good taste in carbs.

Basically, Apple’s attempt at adding a bagel emoji is a travesty. Just look at the damn thing:

 

 

In what universe does this register as an appealing—even edible— bagel? Is it meant to coddle the ignorant heathens who buy their bagels in brand-name bags? I pity the poor sap who looks at this thing and thinks “MMM, yummy!”, for they truly have not lived.

Let’s go through it blow by blow. First of all, it’s a plain bagel. Which, fine. It’s an ok choice if you’ve literally never had a bagel before and need to ease your way into it, but it’s ultimately an amateur selection. I’m not saying Apple should’ve gone with a galaxy bagel, but there’s plenty of room for some pizzazz. The plain bagel is just round white bread and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Second, the bagel itself looks wholly unappealing. It’s fresh, sure, but it lacks personality. It should have been toasted and dressed up with some cream cheese, even if it means alienating vegans. Take some risks! Obviously don’t go full Cynthia Nixon, but it should look more like the kind of thing that a real human wraps in tinfoil and hands to you at the neighborhood bagel spot and less like a soulless circle of carbohydrates from the bread aisle.

Finally, the aesthetics of the emoji itself confound the imagination. Upon close inspection, the design looks like a whole, unsliced bagel is stacked on top of a machine-sliced bottom half. What kind of sociopath orders one and a half bagels? That’s not to mention how triggering the thickness and hole size of this thing must be to Montrealers, who no doubt are marching through Mile End and loudly scoffing as we speak.

Naturally, bagel lovers are venting their frustration on Twitter. Don’t be shocked if you hear stories of furious New Yorkers hurling their iPhones into the East River in the days and weeks ahead, either.

At least they didn’t scoop out the damn thing.

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