For when you can't help yourself
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It’s a foolproof plan, really. Take brunch, a girl’s favorite meal, dial up the femininity with a splash of millennial pink, and deliver an Instagram to make your life seem way cooler than it is. And no hate, nobody understands more than me! I’ve frequented a millennial pink restaurant or four, and the appeal is obvious. Surrounding yourself in millennial pink is a great way to offset your millennial problems, from being left on read to the crushing depression and debt that comes with existing in a fascist nation. It’s kind of like therapy, except not at all like therapy. Please don’t kid yourself.

That all said, here are some legit places where you can get pinkify your breakfast and, if only for a moment, paint over your troubles with divine aesthetics. And mimosas! Yay, mimosas!

Pietro Nolita: New York, NY

As advertised, Pietro NoLita is in Nolita, and therefore a fun way to inconvenience all of your, Brooklyn, Harlem, and Queens-dwelling friends in one swoop. Pose among the heart-sprayed door and wooden alcove. You will no doubt be the first ever. When you descend, prepare to laugh off the place as “cozy” while everyone sardines themselves around one square table. Oh, and they have Pink As Fuck napkins! Wheee!

Pietro is filled with delightful Italian dishes which is neat if you want to dive straight into the part of the day where you mainline pasta.Take a shot of your Fusilli al Limone and promptly tell Heather to STFU about the $16 eggs benedict, because this is your birthday and they’re starting layoffs at work, and everyone’s having a rough time, okay? Like, you just want to crystallize one perfect, happy moment in a box of pink before it all falls apart. Jesus Christ.

Sketch: London, England

Sketch is more than a place, it’s a palace of whimsy and the height of London’s Instagram Porn. As a technicality, you’re getting high tea instead of brunch, and you’ll love the dainty little pastries and crust-cut-off finger sandwiches. You’ll feel like a princess, rewarded for navigating through the clever yet anxiety-bolstering website. Oh my God, oh my God, why are all the trays falling down, I just want to see a menu.

The lighting isn’t like, excellent for taking picture. Whatever, it’s not like you bought a whole outfit slash plane ticket to document this experience. As a fun bonus, there are egg-shaped toilet pods! Very funny coincidence, actually, because hard-boiled eggs are all I’ve been able to afford for breakfast since going there two years ago. Make sure to say hi to the Caviar Man!

Nanan: Wroclaw, Poland

Glamorous and elegant, this patisserie is the ultimate place for something sweet. Designed by BUCK.STUDIO, nothing will look better than a cluster of colorful macarons with a marbled and velvet backdrop. NOTHING.

So stop by, grab a cappuccino, and wrestle with the self-loathing of being privileged enough to enjoy travel internationally while the world’s on fire, the ironic dread of not having any health insurance, and guilt, guilt thick enough to fill up those gorgeous oval silhouettes. Now, pose!

Le Sel: Nashville, Tennessee

Stop by Le Sel for your next post-Bachelorette Party brunch, ladies! This brasserie serves up French food with Southern hospitality and best of all, pink seats! Get in a group shot as Heather mentions on the sly that she wanted to go to 5th & Taylor.

Well, whatever, Heather, you didn’t want to wear eggplant chiffon at her stupid wedding.

You get a few side-eyes during her “Thank you” toast to all the bridesmaids but you had to defer your student loans for this weekend and you’re taking the picture, you don’t even care, you’re taking the picture.

Cafe Réveille: San Francisco, California

Cafe Revéille has the perfect round pink tables BUT ONLY AT THE MISSION BAY LOCATION, DO KNOW THIS BEFOREHAND SO YOU DON’T WASTE A FULL DAY JUMPING FROM PLACE TO PLACE. God, what’s wrong with you recently? Is this an addiction? What kind of void are you trying to fill? Also, chia pudding or chilaquiles?

Um, anyway. This is the perfect option if you don’t want to supersaturate your breakfast in pink...or if you already got pictures of the salmon-colored wall at Miette’s and you’re good for a minute.

Cafe Napoljonska: Berlin, Germany

Berlin is the perspect spot for running away from all your problems, all your problems. While you’re there, pick up a (pink!) tray at Napoljonska and pull up to a lovely light gingham table for an A+ flat lay. It specializes in yummy vegetarian dishes that you will undoubtedly mispronounce completely.

As you dive into one of the extravagant fruit-filled breakfast spreads, contemplate the irony of going to Berlin of all places to escape your country’s political turmoil. “Maybe I don’t have to come back,” you think to yourself. “Maybe I’ll rent an apartment, get a job as a barista and—no, no. I’ll never be able to learn latte art.” Your high school reunion is in six months, dwell on that for a bit.

Carthage Must Be Destroyed: Brooklyn, NY

This hidden East Williamsburg spot is Instagram heaven. The second you sit down you’ll no doubt say, “What do you mean photos must be limited to my ‘personal space.’ and, pulling a total Heather, “Do you really think I came here for the $35 breakfast fish curry?!”

Spiral into madness as you wrack off all the people you were going to impress with a special pink brunch photoshoot at a covert breakfast spot: your high school classmates, your boss, your ex-best friend, Bumble Steve, Steve Bumble (they’re entered differently in your phone), Jason. Oh my God, Jason was going to see how great you’re doing without him and now he’s NOT because you CAN’T TAKE A PICTURE by the wall and you’re flying BLIND, MILLENNIAL PINK RAGE. This is RIDICULOUS, you need something to go right right now, anything to go right right now, if you don’t get this shot NOBODY WILL KNOW HOW YOU’RE LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE, AAAAAAAAAGH.

...oh, and get yourself an organic avocado toast while you’re there, it’s to die for.