Probably not the best way to settle a petty grievance

By Tim Nelson
Updated February 12, 2018
Credit: Photo Courtesy of @RealCapnCrunch

A morning bowl of cereal is a sacred rite that is not to be trifled with. Unfortunately, one Alabama man found out the hard way that if you let another man’s Cap’n Crunch turn stale, you’re probably going to catch these hands.

As the authorities tell it, Duane Barry Smith, a 52-year-old resident of Moundville, Alabama, was arrested for misdemeanor domestic violence/assault last week for beating his roommate up with the cord of a laptop charger. The reason? The victim didn’t treat Smith’s Cap’n Crunch with proper care. According to the Moundville Times, the victim “tore the bag when he opened it and did not do anything to keep the cereal fresh.”

Usually this incident would prompt little more than a passive-aggressive note, but Smith’s missing teeth and subsequent difficulty eating stale cereal led him to take particular umbrage to the offense. Smith apparently asked the victim “if he knew how hard it was to eat stale cereal without any teeth,” and forced him to take out his dentures to “see what it’s like.” When the roommate refused Smith’s request, the assault commenced.

Let that be a lesson to anyone with roommates on the importance of keeping cereal fresh. And next time you don’t feel like flossing or visiting the dentist, just know that it might prevent a future scenario in which a stale box of Cap’n Crunch sends you into an untethered rage which knows no bounds.