Courtesy of McDonald's

It's all fun and games until you're the subject of a long criminal investigation

Mike Pomranz
July 24, 2018

When you’re a teenager, sometimes you don’t always think about how there’s a fine line between just goofing around and criminal behavior. Still, firing a French fry out of a straw at McDonald’s sounds innocent enough—until it leads to a months-long criminal investigation.

After an eight-month saga, a 13-year-old boy in England was luckily able to walk away with a warning after being accused of assaulting a woman “by using a straw to fire a [French fry], hitting her in the face” in a London McDonald’s in November, according to The Sun. The paper explains that the teen was apparently hanging out with a few of his friends at the fast food joint when a fry allegedly struck a young woman nearby. That woman also happened to be in the restaurant with three of her friends, resulting in a four-on-four brawl that reportedly spilled out into the street.

All four teens were charged with assault in the incident, with The Sun reporting that one pled guilty, one was referred for a caution (essentially a warning that goes on your record for consideration if any future infractions occur), and one is awaiting trial. As for the apparent initial instigator—the alleged 13-year-old fry shooter—his charges were also dropped after two magistrate hearings determined that the teen should simply be given a caution for his actions.

Meanwhile, his mother was outraged by the entire process, questioning the backstory of incident. “It’s ridiculous,” she was quoted as saying. “I tried to put a [French fry] in a McDonald’s straw. It doesn’t fit.” Instead, she believes the whole thing started when her son simply blew a bit of the paper wrapper off the end of the straw towards one of his friends; the shot missed its target, sparking the dispute.

Clearly, shooting paper off a straw—or through a straw in the case of a spitball—would be the more classic move. As far as shooting a French fry through a straw, well, if the plausibility of such an attack can’t be determined by forensic investigators, then what the hell are you paying your forensic investigators for? Then again, maybe investigators determined that attempting to replicate the firing of a French fry out of a straw was simply too dangerous. We wouldn’t want any additional French fry-related attacks on our hands.

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