Barcroft Media/Getty Images

Photographic evidence is, uh, confusing

Tim Nelson
October 26, 2018

Update: it was all a hoax. Good one?

Justin Bieber is good at many things. Singing, for example. Getting bad tattoos. Having a hip pastor who looks like he’s said “Jesus is lit” at some point. Getting engaged to
Alec Baldwin’s niece. That’s part of why he remains a larger-than-life celebrity figure. He simply exists on a higher plane, one where people eat burritos in just about the dumbest possible way.

Recently the Canadian pop star was spotted going to town on a burrito using a technique that boggles the mind and could be considered probable cause for arrest in multiple states.

Almost every aspect of Bieber’s burrito approach defies comprehension. First and foremost, he’s holding the damn thing sideways. It’s textbook corn on the cob form, but it’s a terrible way to tackle anything wrapped up in a tortilla. It could unfurl at any moment! Does the Biebs think he can bite the thing in such a way that the top half will disappear and the burrito will suddenly transform into a taco?

One of my favorite taco spots from my youth offered a simple but essential mantra for its burrito eaters: “hold like so (i.e. upright). Peel as you go. Don’t unwrap or it’s in your lap.” Well it’s safe to say that Justin Bieber has never been to Tacos Tacos in Ludlow, Vermont, because the entirety of this burrito is devoid of any protective covering. That’s a recipe for disaster. That pale pink hoodie (my guess is it’s Supreme) is in almost as much trouble as anyone sharing the road with Bieber circa 2016.

Further adding to the riskiness of the operation, there isn’t a damn plate or napkin in sight. Even worse, Justin’s clearly never watched Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Why? Because his arm positioning is about as far from the classic Fieri haunch, an elbows-out grease avoidance posture pioneered by the mayor of Flavortown, as you can get. That is not out of bounds, Biebs.

Justin Bieber has brought great shame to everyone who’s ever rolled up Mexican food in a tortilla, and this time it IS too late to say sorry. He’s either a complete burrito idiot, or one of the bravest people to ever pick one up. Perhaps this is all just a reminder of how often those two descriptors are intertwined.  

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