Photos courtesy of Starbucks

The cups scream "please don't be mad at us."

Jeremy Glass
September 27, 2018

Changing leaves?! Pumpkin spice?! Earth’s northernmost axis slightly tilting away from the warm glow of the sun? It must be autumn and that means the holiday season is upon us.

Space stuff aside, you know you’re getting close to the holidays when people start shouting at a corporate entity.

For the 20th year in a row, Starbucks is celebrating the holidays by releasing a line of holiday-themed cups and merchandise. Unlike previous years, these cups and tumblers are taking the stance of zero stance whatsoever and positively scream: “please don’t be mad at us.”

To circumvent—or, at least, attempt to circumvent—the crazies who have nothing better to do than yell at a cup, Starbucks recently unveiled a line of desperately inoffensive, holiday-neutral cups, tumblers, mugs, and gift cards.

For those unaware or unwilling to participate in a conversation that just won’t go away, Starbucks’ holidays cups are a consistent source of controversy and stem from a Pizzagate-style argument that the billion dollar company is trying to erase Christmas or kill Jesus again or whatever. Of the many nutjobs who’ve protested the company’s objectively inoffensive cups in the past, former pastor Joshua Feuerstein was one of the first guys who openly accused the company of (lol) hating Jesus.

To say that these pieces of merchandise either support or oppose Christmas, or any holiday for that matter, would be a massive stretch—even for lowbrow guys like Feuerstein who describe Alex Jones as “a neat guy.” I don’t see any Yom Kippur-themed holiday drinks, but you don’t see me schvitzing over it. Though, to be fair, that holidays is all about atoning for your sins...

Ranging in size from 12 to 24 ounces and price from $17.95 to $19.95, these cups are the bucket of water aimed extinguish the inevitable firestorm of controversy if and when Starbucks’ red cups ever drop again. At least they can look back and say: “THESE CUPS ARE INANIMATE.”

Finding any sort of message or meaning is... well… you try it. What do you see when you gaze upon these innocuous coffee-containing units? Nothing. If anything, maybe the Black Sequins Cold Cup is ushering in a new era of Goth Christmas beverages, but that could be the pumpkin spice talking.

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