It's not just a dressing, it's a lifestyle
Hidden Valley Ranch's New Merch Includes a Massive Inflatable Ranch Bottle
Credit: Hidden Valley

Forget seasonal Starbucks cups and gingerbread-flavored Krispy Kreme doughnuts, the real sign that the holidays are upon us is the re-opening of Hidden Valley Ranch's merch shop. Last year's offerings, which included a ranch Christmas sweater and socks emblazoned with the phrase, "If you can read this bring me ranch," were hard to top, but this time around Hidden Valley delivered. In addition to revamped versions of 2017's ranch-themed holiday sweatshirts—one new style features a ranch bottle and a pizza slice caught in an embrace—the brand has rolled out fanny packs, tech accessories, and, most excitingly, home goods.

The merch shop is heavy on the holiday decor, with ranch ornaments ($20), snow globes ($50), and illuminated tree toppers ($50) all up for grabs. If you plan on giving a Hidden Valley item as a gift, you can really commit to the theme and wrap it up with ranch-patterned paper ($25). On the more practical end is a magnum of ranch ($25)—it's 1.75 liters (or nearly four standard bottles).

But the real star of the show—the thing that separates the true ranch-heads from the folks who occasionally dunk their pizza crusts in the tangy dressing but won't actually drizzle it on the cheesy part—is Hidden Valley's towering, magnificent, inflatable ranch bottle ($150). Standing at 6'5", the festive yard decoration (imagine it draped in strings of twinkling lights) is a monument to mankind's greatest dressing achievement. And while, yes, it's part of the Hidden Valley holiday lineup, it's kind of seasonless if you think about it.

You can put it up for the Fourth of July! (What's more American—more patriotic?—than ranch?) You can slap a balsamic vinaigrette costume on it for Halloween! You even can take it to the pool, hop on, and paddle laps around people in swan floats.* Basically, it's the most perfect piece of ranch-related merch since 2017's Hidden Valley keg, whose time on this earth was much too brief.

*Definitely not safe.

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