For the person who has everything

By Tim Nelson
Updated March 20, 2018
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Credit: Courtesy Gucci

The weather in parts of the country may still be snowy and cold, but that hasn’t stopped the world’s high-end fashion houses from preparing their spring/summer season offerings. And though we have yet to see the end of March, the bar for absurd summer accessories has already reached new heights.

For the latest example of luxury fashion’s ongoing war with the concept of utility, look no further than Gucci’s new $949 rubber tote. Though one could argue that the application of an unconventional material to a traditional accessory template represents some sort of great leap forward in Gucci’s storied 97 year history, let’s call it what it is: an exorbitantly expensive ice bucket.

Don’t let “the oversize, rubber design [which] references the shape of vintage beach bags,” fool you: this thing is meant for transporting alcohol in high fashion. Why else would its color fall somewhere between champagne and everyone’s favorite “yaaaas”-inducing rosé on the visible wine spectrum? With a height of 13.5” and a bottom width of 15.5” this thing’s dimensions are almost tailor-made for moving booze and bags of ice. The prerequisite embossed Gucci logo on the side also ensure it meets the prerequisites for a bougie, boozy Instagram photoshoot.

What else do you get for $949, beyond a reinforced sense of sartorial superiority? A few embossed phrases on the bottom of the bag, including “Sine Amore Nihil” (without love, nothing) and “Summer MMXVII” (for those with a poor grasp of roman numerals and/or a desire to live in the past), and “Guccification,” which presumably refers to the process by which previously working class neighborhoods turn into an endless procession of cold pressed juice shops and barre studios.

Sure, it may lack the purposeless panache of a Supreme-branded money gun, but this ice bucket is at least a slightly more practical way to flaunt your wealth this summer.