Courtesy of Walmart

It'll ruin Thanksgiving more than your racist cousin

Tim Nelson
November 20, 2018
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Thanksgiving is about 48 hours away, which means that you’re likely already salivating at the thought of turkey doused in gravy, not to mention the mouthwatering sides. While there are a few different Thanksgiving snacks starting to crop up, there’s still plenty of room for innovative ideas—at least compared to snack-saturated holidays like Halloween and Christmas. But it’s important to remember that just because something can exist doesn’t necessarily mean that it should.

That would seem to be the case with gravy candy. Yes, it’s real. Rather than a sugary sauce with a meat juice base, this bizarre confection attempts to distill the taste of gravy into individually wrapped brown and white mints.

“Everybody loves gravy and everybody loves candy,” posits the
product description. Fair enough premise, but then a bit of a logical leap happens: “that means Gravy Candy has to be an instant hit!” No. No, it does not.

“With the look of old-fashioned candy and the taste of herb-infused gravy, these are sure to be the hit of your candy bowl,” wrote someone whose definition of success probably centers on torturing unsuspecting Thanksgiving guests.


In case you needed real evidence that gravy candy is bad, look no further than the Washington Post. Their taste test of Thanksgiving snacks uses the title “Gravy Candy Is Here to Ruin Your Thanksgiving,” and it’s hard to argue with them. In a filmed review, Post food and culture writer Maura Judkis describes the smell as “straight up like dog food.” It features a “minty meets meat” taste she describes as “really upsetting” before spitting the thing out.

For better or worse, Candy Gravy is out of stock on Walmart’s website, but you can satisfy your morbid curiosity for meat-flavored sweets via
Amazon, since Jeff Bezos is hell-bent on making the world a worse place. So if you can sense that Uncle Gary’s about to get worked up about George Soros and the migrant caravan, slip him some candied gravy to throw him off his game and shut him up. Because if there’s one thing that can bring families together this Thanksgiving, it’s the shared misery that Gravy Candy has to offer.

And lest you worry that candied gravy was only fit for Thanksgiving, fear not: once Black Friday hits, it’s time to stock up on
gravy-flavored candy canes. Because nothing says “you are a bad child who has disappointed me this year and every year” like the most disgusting candy on the market. Happy holidays!

 

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