What's the best of the bunch?
Grapes are the only part of a fruit salad that stays safe from the tyranny of cantaloupe runoff. People generally prefer grapes once they've been made into wine, but eating table grapes can also be a good time. The grocery store is chock full of them, and although they’re all similarly roundish, they’re not all created equally. With the end of the grape season looming near, I ranked the most commonly found grapes from worst to best. Here are my findings.
8. Anything With Seeds
These are trash. There is no good way to eat them without looking like an idiot. You either crack them in half and pick out the shitty seeds with your hands, or you try to navigate the issue within your mouth like some sort of terrible magician. Pass.
7. Sun Disk Green Seedless Grapes
These are MONDO LARGE, and so round and plump that I was almost concerned. Are they too big? What did scientists put in these to make them so large? Unfortunately, more attention seemed to have been spent on the grape's size than its flavor. It’s like eating a big, bland ball. It’s not bad, just boring.
6. Castle Rock Vineyards Black Grapes
This is a polarizing grape. It's so different from the rest that it should almost be called something else. The color is Instagram-worthy, and the texture is great, but there’s some sort of funk in there that leaves a question mark in your mouth. It’s almost savory, like there’s grape umami going on. You would only notice this if you’ve been, say, ranking grapes all day.
5. Sun Disk Red Seedless Grapes
These have that A-List Hollywood pop, but they're immediately tannic. They seem to have been bred for their size and texture, but not flavor. They’re sweet, yet the bitterness is overwhelming and holds them back from being an elite grape.
4. 4Earth Farms Organic Red Grapes
Smaller than your average red grape, and a little more muted than the others, too. You get some tannin from the skins. You wouldn’t spit it out if you ate it at a party. The box doesn’t say seedless, and they’re definitely seedless. Why the omission, 4Earth Farms?
3. Anthony’s Organic Green Seedless Grapes
These organic green seedless grapes are big, fat, and dense. The skin has a nice pop when you sink your teeth into it. The flavor is sweet but not too sweet, like a soft wink of sweetness. These are peak refreshing-on-a-hot-summer’s-day grapes. You can feel good about eating a hundred of them because they’re organic, baby.
2. Sark’s Little Thom’s
The minute you pick up these little guys—and they are little—you get a little anxious. The body feels soft, like a water balloon that was never filled to max capacity. The minute you bite into them, though, you’re no longer concerned. While it lacks that classic grape pop, the flavor here is top notch. You get the sense that this is what a golden raisin was before it shriveled up in the sun. Even the Little Thom's packaging is sweet with pizzazz: The cartoon grapes wink at you right on the label and do handstands on QR codes. They even have an Instagram account, which you’re tempted to follow because you like these grapes so much.
1. Anthony’s Organic Red Seedless
This is a grape with character. Biting into it feels like putting a face to a name. It has good, dense pulp and a slight tang to it. They’re big, but not so big that you’re wondering what the hell kind of pesticides they’re using on these things. You’re also not wondering that because they’re certified organic in a couple of different ways. You chomp into these and fall in love with the grape's juicy flavor and satisfying, well, chomp.