There is no reason this should exist, and yet I long to own one
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EC: Give This Weird Gadget to Your Friend Who Has Everything
Credit: Photo via Amazon

Life is hard. So is butter sometimes, apparently. Often enough that some people feel compelled to purchase a specially crafted, self-warming serrated knife to combat the indignity and heartbreak wreaked uponst their toast by turgid butter. God, I want to be them, know them, understand their ways and their lives that apparently accommodate time for toast-eating and fancy gadget-buying—but not enough of it to allow butter to soften on the countertop. Me? I just use a butter bell or insult the surface of my bread with granite-stiff condiments, but I’m trying to grow and evolve as a human. Teach me your ways, THAT! Spread That Serrated Warming Butter Knife owners.

It really is a brilliant device. The THAT! Spread That Serrated Warming Butter Knife probably went to a better school than I did, attended all its physics and engineering classes, and spent its nights and weekends hunkered in the lab to develop its astonishingly innovative design that conducts the user’s body heat from their palm to the edge of the blade. There are no batteries, wires, or plugs—just smart use of materials and form factor deployed toward a more satisfactory butter spreading experience. And you’re not just dumbly plunging your THAT! Spread That Serrated Warming Butter Knife into a butter block and inartfully smearing the spoils onto toast like a damned donkey—GOD NO!

Per the knife’s instructions: “Use the serrated edge to shave off fine curls of butter straight onto your toast, and then gently draw the blade over them for a smoother, more even layer of butter right out of the fridge. No waiting, no clumping–just a better slice of toast, made easy.”

I wept a little when I read that, I’m slightly ashamed to say. Just a tear or two. I’d been feeling a growing sense of unsettlement as of late, and I’d chalked it up to national political upheaval, personal struggles, perhaps a little seasonal affective disorder creeping in. But no. Now I know: It’s been the waiting. The clumping. The unevenness. Once my butter is in order, who knows what I might accomplish?

BTW, the genius of THAT! Is not confined to perfecting butter conveyance. The company has also devised a warming dip bowl and plate, a frozen food thawing plate, and an insulated mug that keeps beverages at their ideal drinking temperature for longer than a mortal should be allowed to expect. Plus the Spread That Serrated Warming Butter Knife also comes in red, my favorite color. It’s a little daunting to know there’s an object out there that I may or may not live up to, but it spurs me on to better myself. And butter myself, if the fates allow.