Please stop the madness

By Kate Welsh
Updated February 13, 2018
EC: Gemstone Toast Is… I'm Sorry, I Can't Anymore
Credit: Photo by LEMAIRE Stephane / via Getty Images

Another day, another dumb food trend. Gemstone toast has arrived, brought to you by Adeline Waugh of Vibrant and Pure, the same person who created a monster mermaid toast and unicorn toast, setting off an maddening series of mythical creature food trends. At least gemstone toast is based on something that actually exists? At least geology is cool? At least jewelry is pretty? I don't know, you guys. I'm grasping at straws here. Gemstone toast may have done me in. I'm wiped out by the onslaught of Rave Barbie-hued food. I don't need my toast to look like a mermaid's living room, and I don't need my coffee to be unicorn puke, and I don't want my bagels "rainbow." I just want my toast to be toast and my coffee to be coffee and everything to be the color nature intended.

Like the rest of Waugh's creations, the gemstone toasts were made by combining cream cheese with varying amounts of natural food dyes (with things like spirulina, chlorophyll, turmeric, and activated charcoal) and swiped and swirled across slices of bread. In the case of the gemstone toast, Waugh also tossed in some pink Himalayan sea salt and edible gold leaf, because sure, why not.

Also, not that it matters in a world where Frappucinos are inspired by imaginary, sparkling, mono-horned horses, but "gemstone toast" is kind of a misnomer. Waugh made three different toasts: "marble," "turquoise," and "geode." Marble is a kind of stone, turquoise is only rarely considered a gem, and a geode might have gems within in but isn't considered one itself. But words don't mean anything anymore, so who cares.

Remember the good old days, when we put butter and jam on our toast? Or even avocado. I know we made fun, but that was great. I'd settle for drinking nothing but nut particle water in my coffee if it meant never having to see a Unicorn Frappucino again. I just want to return to the time when food resembled food, not rocks. Or, you know, the dwelling places of half-fish, half-humans.

Those were good times. Simpler times. I miss them.