Eating Breakfast in the Shower Is a Terrible Idea
Sorry, Jessica Biel
One of my favorite indulgences is a shower coffee, a habit that started as shower beers in college and has since manifested as the occasional glass of shower wine now that I'm an "adult" who is not living in what was functionally a frat house. And though a boozy shower is a great way to wind down after a bad day at work or gear up for a big night out, drinking coffee in the shower is one of my favorite ways to start the day. There's definitely some argument to be made that drinking coffee in the shower is efficient, since you're cleaning your body and getting a jolt of caffeine all at the same time, but I like the routine of a shower coffee because it feels a little bit fancy, like I'm treating myself to something nice even though I'm just covered in suds and standing naked under running water with a semi-hot mug.
My love for drinking coffee in the shower does not extend to eating breakfast in the shower, however. I know it's kind of an arbitrary preference, but there's something about bringing food into the shower that feels breaking some kind of unspoken code. And it's not just me who thinks this way. Jimmy Kimmel made fun of the idea back in 2015, telling folks to prank their dads on April Fool's Day by serving them breakfast in the shower—because what's more absurd than eating while you're covered in suds and standing naked under running water?
Well, it turns out that the joke's on me, because eating in the shower is a real thing that real people do. Real people like Jessica Biel, who posted this photo on September 30, 2016:
Yes, that Jessica Biel, star of television's longest running family drama series 7th Heaven, likes to eat in the shower, and like you, I was flabbergasted. But I knew I had to put my prejudices against food in the shower aside for a morning, and give #ShowerEats a shot. After all, Jessica dared me!
I made some small adjustments to her suggested menu, swapping in a mug of coffee with almond milk for her shot of espresso. I also haven't been eating meat, so I went for a Tofurkey Chick'n Apple sausage instead of Biel's recommended chicken apple sausage. Once I had my breakfast ready, I made my way to the shower in the back of our office (and let me just state for the record that few things will confuse your coworkers more than walking into a bathroom with a plate of breakfast sausage and a fluffy white towel).
With nothing to lose except my dignity, I stripped down, turned on the water, and got my shower breakfast on, starting with the shower coffee. I found a nice ledge in the shower on which to perch my little mug, and I took sips in between getting my hair wet and shampooing and conditioning. The coffee stayed warm since the shower was hot, and I was happy. I mean, just look at this picture:
Like, that is almost Instagram-worthy!
The shower sausage, however, was another story. The first challenge was finding a place for my plate that was safe from the spray of the shower head. A plate, it turns out, needs a relatively large flat surface on which to rest, and those large ledges are few and far between in most showers. I didn't want to do it, but I had no choice—I ended up putting my plate on the floor of the shower. That might've been the biggest mistake after attempting this meal in the first place.
That sausage looked sad, sitting in the corner, as far away from me and the water as possible.
Even though I made a concerted effort to keep the sausage as dry as possible, I failed. I knew this was a possibility—I'm not that dumb—and I had been warned about the very real possibility of moisture ruining your food in the shower by my roommate, the only person I know who has actually tried shower breakfasts. She used to eat breakfast in the shower when she was in high school, but only granola bars, never hot food. When I told her that I was thinking about eating an egg and cheese sandwich in the shower, she cringed. "You probably want to avoid anything with bread," she wisely noted. "The moisture. It'll get soggy."
That made sense to me, so I thought I might be safe with just a sausage, as did she. What we both neglected to realize is that your vegan breakfast sausage can also get very, very soggy if it's sitting on the shower floor. Within a minute, the plate was flooded, and I strongly feared some wayward shampoo or conditioner might've made its way onto the "meat," too.
I had to taste it because Biel dared me, remember? But I took one bite and immediately regretted it. The breakfast sausage was damp and disgusting. It was also cold now, probably because of all the water that had soaked it. I wanted to spit it out but couldn't because I was in the shower, and the thought of a half-chewed piece of vegan meat on the tile was grosser than the idea of just chewing and swallowing, which I did, and then thought I was going to barf a little bit. Fortunately, I had the shower coffee on which to sip. I've never been more grateful to have a drink in the shower.
I did not take another bite of the sausage.
I don't know how Biel does it, to be quite honest, and at this point, I think I'm just as likely to marry Justin Timberlake as I am to try eating breakfast in the shower ever again. I think the trick might be having an exceptionally nice shower with lots of ledges—but unless you've basically got a table in your shower, I can basically promise you that your shower breakfast is not going to be a more efficient part of your morning routine—not to mention relaxing or nice or remotely delicious. I'm just saying: there's a reason that #ShowerEats hasn't caught on as a Twitter hashtag, but there's a whole subreddit devoted to shower beers.
So stick with the shower coffee. You'll never regret that.