Photo courtesy of Dunkin' Donuts

Why must we defile our bagels this way?

Tim Nelson
August 15, 2018

With the looming return of fall comes the onslaught of seasonal flavors. Soon enough we’ll be drowning in waves of maple and buried under piles of pumpkin spice. It’s all enough to make you want to tear a hole in your favorite sweater (or at least let someone pull a thread as they walk away).

And things are about to get even worse for those of us who’ve grown weary of unnecessary fall tastes. Because get a load of this: “With new Maple Cream Cheese Spread, Dunkin’ brings this popular taste of the season to its selection of creamy and delicious cream cheese spreads for guests to enjoy on their favorite bagel variety.”

Look, I’ll go to war for Dunkin’ Donuts any day of the week. Their chocolate glazed doughnut remains a god-tier selection, and their coffee gets the job done for a fraction for what you’d pay at a combination barber shop/coffee roaster in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood. If Dunks is good enough for lovable football oaf Rob Gronkowski and future hall-of-famer David Ortiz, you can bet your Boston Kreme it’s good enough for me.

But maple-flavored cream cheese is absolutely a Vermont covered bridge too far. Who loves maple flavoring so much that they feel compelled to smear it on a bagel? How many different layers of plaid flannel must one be wearing when they place that request? If maple is already a “popular taste of the season” at Dunkin’ Donuts, why aren’t these cream cheese heathens content with the options available to them? I’d rather dive headfirst into a shallow leaf pile.

Worst of all, I fear for future generations. If we don’t shut this down, will kids grow up thinking that you can cross-breed dairy cows and maple trees to produce this vile substance? We just don’t know.

In essence, there’s no reason to put this vile mix of sweet, savory, and rich between two halves of a (I’ll admit it) mediocre bagel. You weird autumn-loving people have access to all of the (incredibly arbitrary) seasonal tastes you could ever want. Must you take our last remaining shred of dignity too? Our culture truly is vile and depraved, and this cream cheese is the surest sign of it yet. I look forward to the Werner Herzog documentary about whatever twisted soul signs up to order this.

I’ll take a maple doughnut, though. I’m not that much of a hater.

You May Like