Feel better ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Credit: Photo by Rebecca Firkser

Being sick is a bummer. Being well is better, if you have the choice. We at Dirtbag Central acknowledge that, on occasion, concessions must be made to allow for the intrusion of "vitamins," and that an all-Dorito diet may lead to "bone density loss" or "scurvy." Fine. Taking care of yourself is one of those necessary things like laundry or dishes that all adults must eventually make room in their lives for in some form or another. Usually when you, say, discover yourself with one of those low-level might-be-a-cold-hopefully-not-the-flu in the gloomy fays of late February. IDK. You decide.

Anyway, if you need to do the whole wellness thing, look, that's cool. That's regular, hombre. You do you. But when dirtbags do wellness, we do it in a way that is mad real. What we're talking about is the Tide Pods of Wellness. Like, who says you shouldn't mix Everclear with your Nyquil [Ed Note: Literally no one thinks this is a good idea] or Monster energy drink with your matcha [Ed Note: Dear god]?

If your throat's a little scratchy, if you need to put down the Nintendo Switch and pick up a hot bevvy, or even if you're just tryin'a fend off the inevitable late winter sickies floating around out there, here are a few Dirtbag Wellness suggestions, so you can be the best Dirtbag you can be. [Ed Note: Absolutely under no circumstances should you try these as they are likely poisonous]

Monster Hype-Up Matcha Drink

Credit: Photo by Rebecca Firkser

For this one ideally you'd have a Five-Hour Energy shot, original flavor, to blend up with your matcha [Ed Note: Gross?], but my usual source was fresh out, so I settled for an OG Monster drink. Matcha is like, healthful, because it is green, the color of health. Everyone knows that Monster original flavor is also green. How can it not be healthy, riddle me this?! So anyway I got some of the Lipton matcha green tea bags. Tore them shits open. I used three. Sprinkle them in the Monster that you have microwaved to a like, medium-hot temperature, like a minute and a half. Stir until the fizzing stops. Consume and be HYPE AND HEALTHY for the day you know?! [Ed Note: Do not]


Credit: Photo by Rebecca Firkser

Ahhhhhhh it's five o'clock somewhere! It's 2:15 here though and I am still ailin' so I'm gonna whip myself up a Theraflutini. [Ed Note: Again, mixing alcohol with cold medicine is not great] First you gotta get a martini glass that you probs got as a housewarming gift like 12 years ago and use to store keys. Rinse them keys out. Then sprinkle a packet of Airborne or Emergen-C on a plate, wet the rim of the martini glass, and rim it in sweet precious Vitamin C. It tastes and smells like Gatorade!!! Then you pour in an equal mix of Theraflu max (I prefer the red kind, but the purple kind is good if you're going to sleep!) and like, Everclear. I mean. Vodka is fine too if you're fancy. I garnish it with a toothpick full of gummy vitamins, but just plain gummies will work in a pinch. I won't tell if you won't? WINK. [Ed Note: Do not ever write out "wink"?!?]

Night-Night Smoothie Bowl

Credit: Photo by Rebecca Firkser

People love smoothie bowls because they're pretty and you can put fruit on them and then put the picture on Instagram. But I have a genius hack for you: Use popsicles instead! Popsicles are basically corn syrup smoothies. Just mash some purple ones up with a fork and voila, icy goodness. Bone apple tea! For an extra healthy kick, mix in some Zquil, which will also give it that sleepytime feeling. I prefer to garnish mine with sunflower seeds (also classic flavor though buffalo ranch also works if you can find them), fruit snacks (CHERRY!!!) and that dust that is at the bottom of the Dorito bag. Hey, gotta get those four to six servings of daily Doritos somehow! [Ed Note: That part is correct]

Happy 'baggin, Dirtbags! Remember; we're all just humanbags, trying the best we can!!!!