My flaccid attempts to fill lattes with dicks
EC: Dick Latte Art Is Really Hard
Credit: Photo by Gabrielle Van Tassel

I used to work at a coffee shop and can confirm that making latte art is very difficult, even if a barista makes it look easy. So when I came upon (no pun intended) an Instagram account that features dick latte art, I had to learn how to do it. Who doesn’t want a dick in their morning latte? Someone who doesn’t like to smile, that’s who. The LA-based owner of @dicklatte is an anonymous ‘grammer with a knack for making truly inspired dicks in lattes. Dicklatte told Buzzfeed that they bought an espresso machine to save money, and ended up trying their hand at latte art. One fateful morning, in an attempt to draw a heart, a perfectly shaped foamy penis appeared, and the rest is history. Look at @dicklatte and you’ll see that the grams have impressive detail, from veins to pubic hair, and even extra design elements around the perimeter.

Making latte art starts with espresso: You have to measure out the precise amount of grounds into the portafilter and then tamp it down with the right amount of pressure to create the perfect puck. Then, when you extract your two-ounce shot, there should be a creamy, tan head on the espresso, which is called the crema. Usually when you look at a shot through a clear glass you will see a gradation from darkest at the bottom to lightest at the top. You also have to get the right consistency in your milk by frothing and then steaming it to the correct temperature. Your milk should not be too foamy and should have a smooth, silky sheen. After all that, you have to use a steady hand to pour the milk evenly into the espresso and somehow with angles, speed, and a lot of practice, deliver a shape.

So naturally, I tried to make dick latte art. My practice pours went surprisingly well (see top image), but when it came time to actually perform for the camera, I flopped.

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Credit: Photo by alex tepper

As you can see above, there is a method to the madness. I started by painting two familiar latte art designs: a fat rosetta for the balls and a tiny heart for the penis head. Then, while finishing up that small heart, I dragged them together to create what was supposed to be a masterful dick.

Attempt 1:

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Here we have ghost balls and a shrimpy penis, but at least it's an action shot with some semen.

Attempt 2:

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This penis is just not a penis. Our video producer, Alex Tepper, pointed out that it actually resembles the character Gumby. Sorry, Art Clokey.

Attempt 3:

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This dick has a great head and a reasonable shaft, but unfortunately I castrated one of its rather splashy balls.

Mad respect for @dicklatte, because painting penises in coffee is one of the hardest things I've ever done. But like many things in life, it's not about the dick latte destination. It's about the dick latte journey.