Because Blue Apron is for betas
Good news for people who pay to do a ton of squats and burpees inside a former auto body shop in a gentrifying neighborhood. Get ready to do box jumps onto a new expensive meal delivery kit made just for you.
Assembled by Strauss Brands and available through their Free Raised Direct webstore, the “CrossFit Box” is just pound after pound of meat. You won’t find any pathetic vegetables or soy, but you will find 60 ounces of cage-free chicken breasts, three pounds of grass-fed ground beef, and seven pounds of various cuts of grass-fed steaks and fillets. That’s packed with more than enough iron, protein, and omega 3s to keep you in peak talking-about-CrossFit form. Ironically enough, given CrossFit’s micromanaging of its workout program, the box doesn’t come with recipes.
You can eat like a true paleo warrior for the low, low price of $215 per box. It’s available on monthly, bi-monthly, or tri-monthly installments for those who are too weak to handle ten pounds of red meat in a given month. You can also pick up what Strauss refers to as “CrossFit Approved meat” at certain grocery stores later this year, but true alphas have their food come to them.
Given that its detractors already think of CrossFit as a cult, it was perhaps only a matter of time before the workout regimen started controlling what its adherents eat. "Our community believes athletes must take a 360-degree approach to a healthy lifestyle," said CrossFit COO (chief obliques officer?) Bruce Edwards said in a press release. "Due to the physical intensity of our workouts, a critical component of a complementary diet is protein—it provides energy and fuels performance. We're proud to welcome a partner that can educate and propel our workouts forward."
While the CrossFit cross-branding adds a certain cache (and ups the price tag), it sounds like the box is a decent option for anyone obsessed with getting their hands on solid grass-fed, free-range beef. "Our cattle are raised as nature intended—free of antibiotics and growth-promoting hormones on open pastures for the duration of their lives,” said Strauss Brands CEO Randy Strauss. “The result is a protein that's better for the animal's health and the health of the people who consume it."
With meal kit offerings now as ubiquitous as CrossFit gyms, Strauss is surely hoping that the brand association and sheer volume of meat it offers will be enough to stand out in a competitive marketplace.
And even if you don’t feel like you’re in the market for this box, you can bet that someone you know will be raving about the CrossFit steak they just grilled before summer’s end.