The doughnuts have decided it
Stop refreshing FiveThirtyEight for a minute and take a look at this: Lamar’s Donut Presidential Poll is projecting that Hillary Clinton will win the presidential election by nearly 7 percentage points. The Colorado-based doughnut chain ran a four-week poll beginning in early October at participating donut shop locations across three states. LaMar’s patrons were asked to purchase limited-edition election doughnuts to cast their vote for their candidate of choice: either the “Fillery Clinton,” a donkey-shaped doughnut with blue sugar topping, or the “Donut J. Trump,” an elephant-shaped donut with red sugar topping. Neither doughnut, it seems, is more delicious than the other. In fact, if this poll were rigged, it would be rigged in favor of Trump whose elephant-shaped proxy looks just a little bit bigger than Clinton’s donkey-shaped counterpart.
Remarkably, the Lamar’s Donut Poll has projected the last two presidential elections within 2 percent of the actual results. In 2008, the poll had the “Dough-Bama” beating out the “McCandy Cain” with 52 percent of sales—just 1.7 percent off from the popular vote. In 2012, the doughnut poll got it wrong, naming the “Mitt Yum-ney” as the winner, but poll results were still only 1.3 percent off from actual election results. This year, with doughnut poll projections giving Clinton a full 7 percent lead over Trump, it's maybe safe to declare Clinton the winner of the actual election, I say with all the confidence of a doughnut-fueled sugar rush. (So like, I feel good about it now, but get back to me in a half an hour.)
Now that the doughnuts have decided it, you can spend the rest of the day resting easy. No? Well, fine. It was worth a try.