Breakfast Date Horror Stories That Will Turn You Off of the Whole Idea
Meeting a date for breakfast, conventional wisdom dictates, is not a good idea. But all over the internet, you’ll find stories trying to convince you otherwise. At Odyssey, Kyle Hosbach argues that breakfast dates are cheaper, more delicious, and more relaxed than evening rendezvous. In Women’s Health, Scott Power suggests that 8 a.m.—an hour when I refuse to even be awake—is the best time of day for a first date, because “if the date goes well, so does the rest of your day.” More realistically, he argues, “if it goes horribly, at least you know your day can only get better.” Francesca Gino, a behavioral scientist writing in Scientific American, argues that breakfast dates are a good idea because people are more likely to make better decisions earlier in the day, before the “overall demand of multiple decisions on people’s cognitive resources throughout the day erodes their mental resources.”
But conventional wisdom is conventional for a reason. Breakfast dates are bad news, and I can tell you this because I spoke with some people who have experienced the horror firsthand. Here are four reasons why you should never go on a date first thing in the morning:
Your date will nearly choke to death - Eric (not his real name)
I woke up very early one weekend a few years ago and started chatting with a cute guy on Grindr. He worked in entertainment in LA and was visiting New York on a business trip. Right off the bat, he asked if I wanted to meet for breakfast at the hotel in SoHo, where he was staying.
I'd never been on a breakfast date. I thought it would be refreshing to be able to see someone in daylight and actually have a conversation. I also thought maybe after the date I could head up to his hotel room.
When I got to the restaurant, I was glad to see he looked the same as his Grindr profile. We briefly talked about our jobs, where we grew up, our interests. He was having scrambled eggs. But in the middle of our conversation, he started choking!
I just sat there, totally freaking out. I didn’t know how to do the Heimlich maneuver. I thought he would spit it out, but he kept choking. Eventually, he stood up and choked some more and finally spat out his eggs. He seemed mortified. We didn’t see each other again after that.
Would I go on another breakfast date? Maybe, but I would definitely not order scrambled eggs.
You will discover what your date actually looks like and want to run for the hills - Joedy
When I lived in Monterey, California, I used to go up to San Francisco about once a month for a fun weekend. One time, in 2007 or 2008, I was at QBar partying my balls off till the wee hours of the morning and I met a guy on the dance floor. We were making out, and I invited him back to my hotel. I was horny but I was also hungry and I wanted to get something to eat first. When I’m drunk after 2 a.m. I always crave a runny fried egg sandwich, so we walked to an all night diner just outside of The Castro.
There was a half hour wait for a table, so we went out on the sidewalk while he smoked a cigarette. The lights were super bright out there, and while he smoked, I noticed for the first time the stains on his teeth from years of smoking. At that point, I was too sober to not be totally grossed out. We finally got a table in the back of the restaurant, and as we were walking toward it, we passed the bathroom. That’s when I decided on my plan of action.
When the hostess finally sat us at the table, I ordered a water and excused myself to go to the bathroom. Instead of going to the bathroom, I went out the front door and made a beeline for my hotel. I still remember the sense of freedom I felt after I ran out of the restaurant and turned the first corner so I was out of view. I felt like doing spins like Julie Andrews in the beginning of The Sound of Music. Except instead of going to the Von Trapp mansion I was was heading to a dirty old travel lodge on Market Street. But at least I was safe, happy, and alone. Sometimes you just have to cut and run.
You will be too hungover to function - Josephine
I met a guy on OKCupid, and we decided to go for breakfast on a Saturday. I had never been on a breakfast date before. Not my style. I have a personality that gravitates toward hangry. Breakfast is such a crucial mood-altering meal for me, so interacting with me before it is like sticking your hand in a lion's cage.
Anyway, this guy suggested this tourist-y breakfast place near Penn Station, which should've been my first red flag. Like, who wants to eat near there? Turns out, it was an expensive breakfast place near Penn Station. And since it was a Saturday morning, I was hungover when I got there.
I don't even really remember what I got to eat. I think it was some kind of veggie scramble because it was the cheapest thing on the menu and I knew I wouldn't feel sick after eating it. He got something more decadent. Maybe eggs Benedict or something? Something frou-frou. Whatever he ordered matched his mustache, which was one of those mustaches that curls up at the sides, but obviously it doesn't do that naturally. He clearly took the time to twirl it that way with his fingers.
I think I repressed the rest of the date from my memory. I remember going home afterward and eating more, because of course the veggie scramble was not filing post-hangover. There was no second date.
You will not be in a sexy mood - Erica
About two years ago, I’d just broken up with a long-term girlfriend. I was just on the prowl for sex, to put it simply. Many people recommended I get on OKCupid to help facilitate that.
One girl who was very sweet reached out to me and we started talking. This was at a time when I was working six and a half days a week, which made finding a time to meet difficult. I suggested we do Sunday happy hour. Then she was like, "Why don’t we do Sunday brunch?"
Brunch is an incredibly intimate experience for me. I go to brunch to talk about my sex life, not to have my sex life. This girl must have thought maybe it was a good way to get to know me. But I think she didn’t realize I was looking for one thing in particular, and that was not gonna happen at 11 a.m. on a Sunday.
Brunch is an incredibly long process. We’d have to make small talk on line for like 30, 45 minutes. I’d order something like Norwegian eggs Benedict and feel really full. And I‘m not gonna want to go down on anyone with a stomach full of Norwegian eggs Benedict.
So I was like, “Look, I have other plans. It’s not going to work.” The next time she reached out to me, I figured, she’d suggest a drink or a nighttime thing. But the next time she got in touch, she asked to get brunch again!
I pulled a dick, move: I didn’t respond. I deleted my whole profile. Still haven’t been on a brunch date.