All the Ways You're Doing Breakfast Wrong, According to the Internet
Can't we just enjoy our morning meal in peace?
The one thing I’ve learned about the internet is that it loves a good hack almost as much as it loves to tell us that we’re wrong. Every month a new article is blasted in our faces about how this thing we’ve been collectively doing as a society is actually fodder for the before footage found in infomercials, and breakfast is no exception. For each food, drink, and process, there’s apparently a better way.
Usually, I’m pretty resistant to this stuff. I like the way I do things even if it’s not considered “the best.” For instance, I PREFER TO HOLD DOWN THE SHIFT KEY THE ENTIRE TIME I’M CAPITALIZING SOMETHING RATHER THAN EVER TURN ON CAPS LOCK. But after what felt like the billionth article hit the internet last week telling me I was a dumb baby human who didn’t know how to drink coffee correctly, let alone hold a spoon, I decided to take a deep dive into all the hacks I’ve been missing out on, and put together a definitive list of our breakfast failures.
The perfect morning means sun through your windows, sizzling bacon, and snuggling a warm cup of coffee in your hands, right? *presses shift key* WRONG! Don’t hold your coffee with both hands like some kind of barbarian. Myka Meier, founder and director of Beaumont Etiquette, told Cosmopolitan that the correct way to sip your morning joe is thus: “Loop your index finger into the handle and keep your thumb on top of the handle. Your remaining three fingers—middle, index and pinkie—are tucked into the palm of your hand.”
If you handed me a cantaloupe right now and were like “cut this,”I’d probably give it right back to you and buy ready-made cubes from the store. That’s because I know I’d cut cantaloupe the wrong way, because yes, we’ve been doing it wrong our whole lives.Hello Giggles spotted our mistake thanks to Saveur, so before you start hacking away at the nearest fruit, give this video a watch.
I know what you’re thinking: there’s no wrong way to eat bacon. But there is a wrong way to make it, and it’s probably whatever you’re doing. If you want to eat a delicious bacon, egg, and cheese with bacon in every bite, then you gotta followBuzzfeed’s instructions for creating a bacon weave, which involve cutting into a pack of bacon as-is,weaving the strips like a checkerboard, and baking them in the oven.
While this pancake hack won’t ruin the fluffy golden stacks we’ve come to love, it’s gonna seriously change up your syrup game. The slow-mo vision of syrup drizzling back and forth over pancakes is no more. Instead, Yahoo recommends a syrup crater, which you can create by cutting a square hole out of the middle of your stack. Then, you cut triangles out around it, and dip to ensure syrupy goodness in every bite.
If you want to eat your waffle the way the Belgians do, then putdown your knife and fork. Also, throw away the syrup. The Huffington Post reports that Belgian Waffles are a hands-only affair, and should be good enough on their own so as to not necessitate additional fanfare. Unencumbered by syrup, Belgian waffles are to be consumed on the go, probably on your way to go do something else totally and completely wrong.