Courtesy A1

Finally, a candle for men

Tim Nelson
May 31, 2018

Do you have a dad who throws a tantrum every time bad weather means he can’t fire up the grill? Have you always wanted to get him a candle for Father’s Day but are worried about offending his fragile masculinity because “candles are for safe spaces” or something?

Well, my friend, this is the year that you win Father’s Day. That’s because Kraft Foods, purveyors of the famous A.1. Sauce that makes even the worst steaks suddenly tasty, have launched a line of scented candles just in time for summer barbecue season.

A.1.’s offering comes in three carnivorous fragrances. There’s Original Meat for the old-fashioned gentleman who wants to project a rugged olfactory aura. Backyard BBQ is perfect for anyone who wishes their man cave could smell like a man patio. And Classic Burger is perfect for when Mitt Romney wants one of his many properties to smell like his second-favorite meat.

Sold as 9 ounce, hand-poured candles with a retail price of $14.99, each should burn for somewhere between 50 and 70 hours, far longer than the KFC bath bomb or even the wildest 4th of July BBQ you can imagine. And because June is the month of dads and grads, this meaty candle should work well in a first apartment or dorm room, allowing the recipient to project a meaty, smoky vibe that will both mask other smells and confuse unsuspecting guests.

So next time Nance hassles your dad about taking out the trash, make sure he can retreat to the garage, light up a Backyard BBQ candle, and crank some Jimmy Buffett. It’ll be like his own mini vacation. There’s no guarantee he’ll like it more than that tie you’ve got your eye on, but at least this gift will (hopefully?) smell better.

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