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It's just not right, people.

Sara Tane
March 01, 2018

I’ll be the first to admit that I was raised in a carb-fearing household, so every now and again, I find myself looking for ways to completely ax bread from my diet. The society that we live in tells us that bread and carbs are the source of all nutritional evil, and that in order to live a wholesome, healthy life, we must eliminate them, entirely. And as much as I support you preparing the food that you truly want to eat, I have a hard time believing that these vegetable substitutions for bread are actually supplying more joy to your sandwich life.

However, because sandwiches are one of life’s greatest glories, us bread-eliminating humans have still tried to replicate such a creation, without the bread component. Please, if you’re going to make and consume a sandwich, just eat the bread—even a gluten-free variety, if you need. Your body will forgive you (although, there’s nothing to be sorry for, here), and your taste buds will surely thank you. The following “sandwiches” are nothing short of heinous, and we just wanted to remind you to avoid falling victim to any such atrocities.

The Cucumber Sandwich


Want to know what a hollowed-out cucumber tastes like? Literally nothing. If you’re going to go through the hassle of compiling your favorite sandwich components, why would you then proceed to stick said components between a seeded and peeled cucumber? WHY?! Cucumbers are great inside two slices of bread, so let’s keep it that way.

The Avocado Bun

This one is truly shocking. It is a very well-known fact that avocado and bread taste wonderful together (avocado toast, have you heard of it?). That said, in no world is it okay to slice a ‘cado in half, stuff it with the works, and call it a sandwich. Not only does putting your bare hands on a slippery, potentially mushy, ripe avocado seem extremely troublesome and dirty, but it makes absolutely no sense. Again, put your avocado in between two hearty slices of bread and move on with your day.

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The Brussels Sprout Slider

Wow—this creation has blown our minds in ways we didn’t think possible. We love Brussels sprouts. We fry them, roast them, saute them, steam them, but we sure as heck don’t halve them and substitute them for bread. That is simply preposterous. Not only does this pose a size issue (they’re little baby sprouts, how are you supposed to fill them with anything!?), but they’re a vegetable. Even if their shape and size were conducive to being a bread replacement, they still taste like a green brassica. That is not the flavor profile that you want to have giving a big hug to your loaded sandwich.

The Tomato Bun

Ughhhhhh...when are we going to learn!? Tomatoes are wet and slimy. Who in their right mind wants to wrap their hands around that and claim that they’re enjoying this eating experience? No one. Because it makes no sense. Tomatoes are a topping, not a casing. Let’s not get the building blocks of a sandwich confused.

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