Tyler Kord, the chef/owner of No. 7 Restaurant and multiple No. 7 Sub Shops in New York City, does not make emotionally neutral sandwiches, generally speaking. The recipes in his new book, A Super Upsetting Cookbook About Sandwiches, will make you feel, heal, and be a more nuanced and sated person. Plus they just taste madly good. Perhaps you can convince your insurance company to cover the cost of a copy.
Sometimes I wake up feeling like the worst person in the world. More often I go to bed feeling like the worst person in the world. Look, I know that you’re not my therapist. In fact, you are essentially paying me to write this, so if anything, it’s more like I should be your therapist, and in that regard I guess I’m not doing a great job. And with this newfound understanding of my role in your universe, let me prescribe this sandwich the next time you are about to go to bed feeling like the worst person ever. It’s spicy and meaty and delicious, and it always makes me feel better about things. It helps if you look up at the stars while you eat this sandwich and think about how unfathomably large the universe is and how small your problems must be in the history of the entire, potentially limitless and timeless universe, and then remember that everybody will eventually forget whatever it is that you’re stressed out about. Unless you killed a bunch of people on purpose, because they will probably remember that.
Perfect Scrambled Eggs
Sort-of Mexican Chorizo
I love fresh Mexican chorizo. It is one of the best sausages, and if you’ve never had it, don’t make this version. Go ahead and get Charcuterie: The Craft of Salting, Smoking & Curing and make that version because it is perfect and delicious. Don’t get me wrong, this sausage is also delicious, but it’s like putting bacon on your first hamburger or pepperoni on your first pizza. Those things taste so different from their original forms, and you should know what the perfect originals taste like. To be honest, I don’t understand why anybody would ever put bacon on a hamburger unless they hate the taste of hamburgers and are trying to mask the hamburger with the most aggressive non-hamburger flavor of all time. Francis, agree or disagree? [L L L —Ed.] I sent this recipe to my mom for testing purposes, and she commented that maybe this makes it sound like you shouldn’t make this sausage because it’s not as good as the Ruhlman one. Betty Kord’s words cut like a knife.
Pickled jalapeños are so stupid and delicious and easy that you should make them all of the time! And I’m not even talking about making a brine or anything; I’m talking about soaking jalapeños in vinegar and putting them on things. They’ll add a pop to anything that needs a pop! I know a dude who needs a pop. He is a restaurant owner, and he is super nice to my face but apparently can’t stop the flow of hate when my back is turned. I suspect it is because he has some issues, but I can’t imagine that it’s jealousy, as his restaurants are very successful and he’s clearly very talented. Anyway, he said some horrible things about me to the ex-boyfriend of a girl that I was seriously in love with. We were dating until ex-boyfriend related the information to her. We got back together later, but that’s another story entirely that we can talk about in some other cookbook, because this book is about sandwiches, so back to the topic at hand. See, restaurant-owner dude took everything out of context and made me look like a colossal jerk. I have been guilty of being a jerk, but really not this time. Anyway, sometimes I want to give him a pop of jalapeño juice in the eyes because he could at least have said what he had to say to my face. I even gave him a chance! I called him to say that I was super sorry if I had ever done anything to offend him, and he just acted like everything was cool! I don’t understand people like that. (For the record, I wrote that intro in 2012 when I was pitching this book around. I’ll leave it there for posterity’s sake, but for the record, I am totally over that whole situation. I so totally don’t even think about it anymore. Like ever.)
2 teaspoons finely ground gochugaru (Korean red chile powder) or ancho chile powder
¼ teaspoon sesame oil
1 cup cheap white vinegar
How to Make It
Preheat the oven to 400°F. Stop. This is spicy, and eating spicy foods before bed makes my dreams super crazy. Either way, go for it, but when you get in bed, after you turn off the light, think really hard about my face while you fall asleep. Then, in the morning, send me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org and tell me what I did in your dream. I bet it was awesome!!! (Part of being a good therapist is dream analysis.)
Crack the eggs into a blender and puree on the lowest setting until the eggs are totally uniform. This is the only “secret” to making scrambled eggs. I am too stupid to know why, but for some reason, when the whites and yolks are completely mixed together, your scrambled eggs will taste better than if they are only partially mixed with a fork. I think it’s that the uniformity in protein composition allows the eggs to cook more evenly and gives you a much smoother texture or some other stupid thing like that. They are so delicious, people will ask if you put milk or cheese in them, and you will say, “No,” and they will respect you for it but will still be a little dubious.
Preheat the oven to 400°F.
Slice the jalapeños into 1/8-inch disks, on a mandoline if you have one. Otherwise do it carefully by hand.