America's thirst for new Frappuccinos is so great that sometimes we just make them up
Basically every single one of my predictions for this year have not come true except for one: the reign of the novelty Frappucino will continue. Starbucks' frozen treat, which barely even contains coffee anymore, is one with seemingly endless variations and colors. Though this year didn't yield a travesty like the Baby Vomit or Fruitcake Frappucinos of 2016, it still had some doozies. The Zombie Frapp! The Vampire Frapp? Whatever this was! One thing you can say about 2017, there was no lack of Frappucino news.
And yet, we, as a nation, are so desperate for still more novelty Frappucinos that, even when presented by a steady drip of them, we invent still more. You might think that the most ill-conceived Frappucino of the year was the insanely-hyped Unicorn Frappucino, a cotton-candy-colored limited-edition confection that had as much sugar as three packs of Reese's peanut butter cups. But no. I consulted our beloved former associate editor Maxine Builder, who served for much of the year as our Frappucino-taster-in-chief, and she agreed: The worst Frappucino had to be the secret menu not-actually-a-thing-except-on-Reddit Dragon Frappucino.
"The Unicorn Frappuccino was definitely terrible—not least of all because by the time everyone else came around to trying it, it had disappeared from stores," Maxine told me. "It also tasted bad, like expired Pop Rocks with a shot of something sour mixed with overwhelming saccharine sweetness, and gave me a headache and had no caffeine, which, to me, defeats the whole point of going to Starbucks in the first place. But the absolute worst Frappuccinos were the ones that random people on the internet created, like the Mermaid Frappuccino or the Dragon Frappuccino, because these were not real drinks that anyone could actually order. They were annoying to order, and I never felt like the drinks were so delicious that it was ever worth the hassle. Plus, they didn't even have caffeine in them, which, to me, is the most offensive thing of all."
In 2018, perhaps we can all be kinder to our baristas and our caffeine headaches and stick to the actual Starbucks menu. But probably not.