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Don't, actually

Chason Gordon
March 21, 2018

Whether it's energy drinks or the Fountain of Youth, humans have long been searching for the perfect beverage to reverse a lifetime of poor health decisions. No one knows this better than Neuro, the company that has created a low-calorie sugar water concoction for nearly every human sensation. It's not just about energy anymore. Whatever you want to feel, Neuro's got a drink for that.

There's Neuro Sonic, Neuro Bliss, Neuro Sleep, Neuro Protein, Neuro Trim, Neuro Daily, Neuro Gasm, and Neuro Aqua. That's four more feelings than I possess. Clearly, they aim to serve every health need with their carbonated beverages. The bottle design certainly seems to suggest as much, with its sleek hour-glass figure and the little picture of brain waves. How could it not work? Brain waves!

Take Neuro Bliss, the white raspberry flavor. Let's say you just had a stressful meeting with your boss, got a parking ticket, and haven't spoken with your parents for five years. Just pop a bottle of Neuro Bliss, with L-Theanine and Chamomile and Alpha GPC. One of those things is bound to do something. Does it actually reduce stress like it claims? A little. Maybe drink two.

If you're trying to lose weight in the wrong way, then grab a tropical lychee Neuro Trim. Surely this magical elixir can wash away hundreds of burgers, gallons of whiskey, and that time I ate playdough last week. I mean, the bottle has a perfect waist to hip ratio. How'd it get that way? By drinking Neuro, of course.

In case you're wondering, yes, Neuro's been investigated. Two years ago Neuro agreed to settle a civil complaint alleging they were engaging in false advertising, and that their grandiose health claims couldn’t be scientifically proven. Neuro changed their labelling, but stand by the health claims. I couldn't care less, because taste-wise, this is one of the best low calorie, placebo-laden drinks on the market. Take that, Vitamin Water Zero.

While Neuro closes their ads by saying that no beverage can replace a healthy diet and regular exercise (thanks, lawyers!), they still seem to promise the world. Neuro Sonic says it will promote “executive functioning” (what?) and “makes your blood flow faster,” a claim which is amusingly reminiscent of the ads that Geritol ran in the '50s, when they said their miracle tonic “cures tired blood.” Nothing has changed in advertising.

With Neuro Gasm, it feels like the company is making fun of you. This particular flavor is hard to find in stores, and so I ordered a bottle on Amazon, which I preferred, since I'd be far too embarrassed to buy something called Neuro Gasm in person. The refreshing passion fruit-flavored drink contains bilberry extract, B-Vitamins, L-Citrulline, and its partner L-Carnitine. It didn’t cause me to rush to my girlfriend's office and carry her out like Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentlemen, but I did get a slight uptick in energy, just enough to finish this article.

As you can tell, my entire health regimen is beverage-based. I like to wake up with a Neuro Daily, have a Neuro Trim at lunch to watch my waistline, relax after work with a Neuro Bliss, drink a Neuro Gasm when I'm out clubbing, and then wind down with a Neuro Sleep. At the moment I look a little like Dr. Manhattan, but without the abs.

What can't Neuro do? Neuro will not reconnect you with your estranged son. It will not find your keys or bring your hamster back to life. Neuro can't cure measles or baldness or that feeling you get when your friends don't text back. That's simply too much to ask from a $2.50 beverage. They probably have an FAQ section that covers this.

Hopefully Neuro will make a beverage for every obscure human emotion, like Neuro Wistful, Neuro Divorce, and Neuro Schadenfreude. Because having to eat right and exercise and govern our own emotions is far too difficult of a task, especially when a sucralose drink can do it for us.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to drink a Neuro.

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