Photo by @locals_corner via Instagram

Don't let this be a thing

Kat Kinsman
June 08, 2017

Hi, can we talk for a sec? Did I do something wrong or offend you in any way? Is that why you're not letting me have an actual coffee cup and instead pouring my Americano into hollowed-out produce? Am I being punished? Wait—am I being pranked? I thought that Ashton Kutcher had stopped doing all that hidden camera humiliation stuff and was trying to be a serious adult person and humanitarian and tech investor, but then again, he brought a dead fish to the CMT Awards (I guess it was a Stanley Cup thing?) but maybe he's secretly doing Punk'D again and that's why human beings are being served coffee in carrots, peppers, tomatoes, and avocado skins.

Fine, the avocado latte turned out to be a joke, but the fact that the general public found it entirely cromulent in the year 2017 A.D. for a coffee shop to be serving a latte in "a piece of rubbish" per the barista who created it says something about… something. I don't know if it's coffee culture, our ongoing national panic attack, or social media—OK, let's go with that last one. 

I am an old human who remembers a time before the internet existed, and also a time when a copy editor would have made me capitalize Internet. If in my long-ago youth a coffee shop had begun pouring lattes (we did have those, but just for very sophisticated people who smoked clove cigarettes or very pointedly read Proust in public) into anything other than crockery, glass, paper, or insulated plastic, it might possibly have made the local paper or a TV segment. At its most viral, it may have been part of a Leno bit rounding up wacky news stories. It wouldn't have become a thing. (We had that thing, you know?)

But now all it takes is one little Instagram to kick off an ouroboros of news and a kajillion copycat and one-up cups, and suddenly we're all going to be slurping our cortados out of yams and macchiatos from cast-off crab claws or something. It’s like how for a while dudes grew all those ironic mustaches and hey, fine, but also fella—that thing is stuck to your face 24/7 until you take a blade to it. Or how there was this reality show host who was running for president and hahahaha and then, you know.

I dunno, man. I haven't actually encountered any coffee-based beverages served in anything other than traditional vessels. I probably won't, but if I do, I'm going to resist any urge to Tweet, Instagram, or otherwise further its reach. If it happens, I won't have had a thing to do with it.

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