In defense of the most controversial Halloween candy of all time
Around the beginning of October, an annual feud fractures social media into two sides: One side that is wrong, and one side that is right. I am on the side that is right, and it’s finally our time to shine. For the past several years, we’ve been in the Candy Corn Dark Ages. We’ve had to hide our passion for the tiny freakish traffic cones that taste like heaven, all because a few jerks decided that they’re bad, when actually they’re good. But this year, in the face of political upheaval and national fear, the internet tides have turned on the subject, and candy corn is getting its moment.
Let’s start with the basics: its ingredients. Sure, candy corn is made up of four different kinds of sweetener along with a whole lot of dyes and junk, but that's what gives it its unabashed sugary artificial taste that melts in your mouth. And I mean that with sincere love and admiration. Can't we just eat some sugary artificial crap once in a while? There are plenty of other things in this world that are just sugary artificial crap that don’t get the hate: all those ridiculous Frappuccinos, for example. And candy corn is some sugary crap we only eat once a year, so if you drink Frappuccinos all year long, shut your damn mouth.
Secondly, its taste. Unlike Good ‘n Plenty hate, candy corn hate is completely undeserved and comes from a place of misunderstanding. Misunderstanding that candy corn is amazing, that is. You’re just supposed to eat it in the right way. You can’t eat massive amounts of it in one sitting or you’ll want to die. Personally, I eat it in the same ritualistic way by eating one kernel in three bites: the little white bit, then the orange bit, then the yellow bit. You soon learn that the texture is not that of a chewy eraser, but of melt-in-your-mouth goodness–plus, it lets you enjoy some of the flavor without being overpowered by sugar.
Because trust me, candy corn has a great flavor. I’ll prove it. If I gave you a piece of chocolate saying it’s white chocolate, but actually it was Hershey’s Halloween candy corn bar, you’d probably think, “Damn, I like white chocolate a lot more than I thought.” Because candy corn’s flavor is amazing, OK? No one has exactly figured out what that flavor tastes like (though Jelly Belly told Thrillist that candy corn is a "blend of creamy fondant, rich marshmallow, and warm vanilla notes”), but one thing’s for sure: It’s unique, and it’s got Halloween spirit.
Finally, let’s point out how damn cool candy corn is as a concept. After all, it was one of the first candies to be multicolored, hence its place as an American classic. Also, isn’t it just so gloriously weird? It definitely has a bizarre texture and flavor that’s impossible to explain, but I say that those who embrace candy corn’s weirdness instead of shunning it are the true heroes of the season.
Be a Halloween hero. Embrace candy corn.