Photo by nullplus via getty images

"By the end of this I was pretty much psychic-Gooped."

Mary Grace Garis
February 03, 2017

I’m a breakfast-neglecter and a psychic-skeptic. It isn’t that I don’t believe in the first meal of the day, or that you can’t get solid advice from a crystal ball, they’re just things I don’t carve the time or money for. But new year, new me: one of my loose 2017 resolutions along with “read more books by female authors” (check) and “table all those relations with non-committal musicians” (not as successful) was to eat better, more energy-inducing, more positivity-imbibing breakfasts. Or to actually eat breakfasts at all. A handful of Special K is no longer sufficient.

What better time than to give psychic consultation a shot? I looked to three different kinds of fortune tellers to check if they could see into my breakfast past (i.e. what I ate that morning) and look into the best options for my breakfast future. This is what was in my cards.

Psychic #1 – The Hotline Psychic

Breakfast: Chocolate croissant, butterscotch latte from Starbucks

Hotline Psychic noted my positive energy yet couldn’t precisely see what I had for breakfast that morning. “But I tell you what, it could be better.” Nailed it. I mean, with that mélange of caffeine, sugar and carbs, she wasn’t not right. Then she proceeded to ask me if I’d been eating breakfast at all lately. So, credibility points will be awarded for recognizing I’ve been slacking recently.

The higher powers were telling her that I’m suited for small portions. A fruit was ideal to start off the day, especially a banana for energy (I hate bananas, but maybe I should revisit that?). She spoke to my New York pride by suggesting bagels, and I made sure to confirm which cream cheese I should use; plain is best, but strawberry is a good alternative for me. And while croissants are swell, it’s croissanwiches I should target, something with egg, cheese, and ham, a meal that can substantiate the protein I’m lacking.

She wrapped up by saying that 10:30 to 10:45 is the perfect timeframe for me to eat breakfast. And that, you know, a guy really likes me and although he’s been flakey in the past he’s going to declare that he misses me, and that I am the only woman in his life, sometime within the next few days.

Photo by nullplus via Getty Images

Psychic #2 – The Chat Room Psychic

Breakfast: Bowl of Special K, Pumpkin Coffee (at 10:38 am!)

So if you’re a millennial that has hardcore social anxiety and can’t deal with real human interactions, I can’t recommend chat psychics enough. No shade on any of my lovely lady soothsayers, but it’s the most straightforward, most chill, and least emotionally taxing way to get a reading. My Chat Psychic interpreted me as a cereal girl, and though she didn’t clarify “usually grabs a handful at random and hopes for the best,” that was passable.

Once again, small portions were recommended, and that focus on protein was big. She thought an egg or two is “great to energize” and that mixing Greek yogurt with fruit and hemp protein powder was a smart move. She was particularly pro-mixed berries since, “they have a large load of vitamin C and high levels of anti-oxidants” minus a sugar crash. The focus was on nutrient-rich breakfasts, and if possible, pairing little things with grains like whole-grain toast and cereal.

Of note, all of my psychics have been very wise for acknowledging I have no culinary prowess. “I’m so grateful for that,” I told Chat Psychic, “I can’t cook, but I can use a blender, I can boil an egg!” (This is debatable.)

Photo by innovatedcaptures via Getty iMages

Psychic #3 – The Street Corner Psychic

Breakfast: Two scrambled eggs with leftover shredded taco cheese and salsa (I’ll be honest, we were out of ketchup),coffee

There are Tarot card readings your friend conducts during her shift at Two Boots, and then there are Tarot card readings that use an entire deck, pinpoint your entire current situation, and look into your breakfast future but not your past. Street Corner Psychic did nail me as someone who “loves with a full heart,” and “is honest with everyone but myself.” So there is that.

As to what I was recommended: my green chakras need serious replenishing, so there is a focus on greens, and for a week I’m specifically supposed to consume a green fruit that rhymes with “pee wee.” Along with that, I’m supposed to drink a juice that’s colored... that rhymes with... orange juice. I’m supposed to drink orange juice for nine days.

I do this and a variety of other things and I will fix my red and green chakras and be able to determine properly what to do about that flakey man who really likes me. By the end of this I was pretty much psychic-Gooped. In fairness, all my psychics were incredibly sweet and gave valid advice and accurate insight. That said, though, they speak and guess in generalities that can be interpreted in whichever way applies to you. Maybe I’ll give bananas and that boy another chance, I’ll definitely try to have more protein. I’m sure this week will see me up in Vitamin C. But when I take a step back from this article, it might become clear that I can be easily cold-read as a nervous 20-something who eats poorly and exclusively dates non-committal musicians.

That’s probably what I’ll see when my third eye re-opens. I’ll let you know.

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