I suggest Biscuitville or Bojangles, but do whatever works
True stoners often view 4/20 the way true party animals see New Year’s Eve––as a holiday for amateurs dipping their toes into the sort of stuff the pros do every day. As such, many sit the holiday out, or simply stay home, lest they encounter a gaggle of goofball hobbyists acting silly and giving their chosen substance a bad name. For those readers who treat April 20 as a once-a-year opportunity to cheekily indulge in the timeless tradition of ingesting THC in the form of blunts, bowls, bongs, vapes, edibles, dabs, and however else the kids are getting high these days, I’m gonna give it to you straight: You’re probably going to accidentally overindulge and get so high you can’t think. This is going to pose a serious problem, as you’re also going to get very, very hungry. So if you’re reading this before smoking, allow me to suggest picking up a chicken biscuit or four before you get too high to navigate a drive-through.
For the uninitiated, the biscuit serves the same one-size-fits-all purpose for those in the South that the bagel does in New York City, functioning as a foundation upon which any meal can be created. Butter one up and it’s a snack; put some jam on it and it’s a dessert; load it with a combination of meats, eggs, and cheese and suddenly you’ve got a full-blown meal on your hands. Classically, biscuits and bagels have served as the de facto breakfast for both commuters and hungover people alike: Whether you’re picking one up at your friendly neighborhood bodega or swinging through the local fast food establishment, the results are all the same in your stomach. But while both bagels and biscuits tend to be high in calories, the biscuit proudly wears its inherent indulgence on its sleeve––they tend to be a bit sweet and more than a little voluminous, while the bagel’s overwhelmingness is often belied by its relative density.
In many ways, the fast-food chicken biscuit is the apotheosis of good eating while high. For true connoisseurs blessed enough to be living in the American Southeast there’s no substitute for Biscuitville or Bojangles. However, Chick-fil-A and Popeyes are nearly as good, and even KFC and McDonald’s whip up a mean chicken biscuit if you’re in desperate need. At its best, the biscuit itself is a little doughy on the inside, golden brown on the outside; magically, fast-food spots seem to have perfected the art of making them fluffy-soft and seemingly fresh out of the oven no matter when you’re picking one up. The chicken, breaded and fried, adds a second layer of resistance then smoothness to your bite––a mouthfeel for the weed-addled that’s an initially jarring but ultimately more than welcome surprise. Like any good stoner food, you can eat a million of them and transition from the sense of pleasant disorientation marijuana offers into a relaxing food coma; or you can eat them slowly, savoring each bite. And even better, they’re cheap––a Cajun Filet Biscuit from Bojangles will set you back only $3.29.
By no means could I ever recommend driving while high––it's incredibly dangerous and pretty damn illegal, and marijuana’s time-bending qualities can make even the shortest jaunt feel like a trip across three states––I cannot stress enough the joys of incorporating a quick run to the nearest fast-food drive-through into your pre-smoking routine. Rolling up to Chick-fil-A to get a chicken biscuit before rolling up a fat one is a process that offers the same subversive thrill that World War II-era spies must have felt while assembling a radio allowing them to transmit important information to their home base via morse code. Though it’s a breakfast food by-and-by, many fast food places offer biscuits all day long, meaning that even if you spill out of bed at noon you’ll still be able to get your fix long after most places stop serving breakfast.
There's something about weed that accentuates and deepens the most primordial of flavors, which fortuitously enough the chicken biscuit offers in spades: There's the sweetness of the biscuit itself, offset by the saltiness of the fried chicken inside. Adventurous stoners can add to the experience by dipping the biscuit into barbecue sauce, injecting an element of tart into the affair that should send your tastebuds screaming back from the abyss, and refocusing your brain onto the joys of the here and now. One of the great allures of weed that it offers the ability to experience the banalities of your day-to-day through a new filter. The right chicken biscuit can keep you grounded enough to take it all in.